Inferiority
by Frolicking Bananas
Summary: Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have DREAMED of.
1. Chapter 1

_**Disclaimer:**_ Ms. Meg Cabot own everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.

_**Summary:**_ _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have_ dreamed_ of.

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_**Inferiority**_

_**Chapter 1**_

He's gone.

He just . . . went.

I haven't seen him for two and a half months.

And now I'm starting to think I'll never see him again.

Well, I guess it was to be expected. I mean, its like he always said. It wouldn't work out.

And I guess it didn't.

Everyone always complains that their relationships have flaws. Well, mine exceeded everyone's. Except for Father Dominic, I guess. I mean, he never completely told me about his dilemma, but it was pretty obvious. Priesthood, hello?

Yeah, so I guess maybe Jesse and I weren't meant to be. I seriously thought that love was enough. And boy was I kidding myself.

I guess maybe I should move on. Another relationship.

Well, not yet, but eventually. I'm not one to be a nun. I mean, look at Sister Ernestine. Do you see something wrong there?

Yeah, so chastity is definitely something I wouldn't look forward to. Sex is a major part of every girls life. If you never get it, then what's the point in living? I mean, I certainly don't want to die a virgin.

Then again, I don't think anyone does.

I just . . . its hard. Coping, I mean.

And its hard not being able to tell someone.

Everyone knows I'm depressed, but no one really knows why. Well, except for Paul and Father Dominic. Father Dom, of all people, doesn't even sympathize with me. Well, I guess that's what I get from a priest. And, get this, _Paul_ is actually consoling. He hasn't tried anything on me. He cancelled shifter lessons (well, I probably would have quit anyway, seeing as the reason I was there, moved on). He also is helping me with my school work. During lunch he tutors me and, surprisingly, I'm making progress.

Other than that, no one has really figured it out.

And I'm not about to tell them, either. If they do figure it out, well good for them.

But I highly doubt they would.

CeeCee and Adam are worried. I haven't been hanging out with them lately. Well, you try losing the love of your life. Its not very easy.

But I guess I kind of feel guilty that I'm just blowing them off. I mean, they have no clue what the hell happened. And, again, I'm not about to tell them.

But it's, um, a little unnerving. What with no one to talk to about it and all. I suppose I could talk to Paul, but he's a _guy_. He wouldn't understand. And plus, he's the guy that was trying to break us apart.

I guess maybe there still is hope. But I know for a fact that Jesse wouldn't do this to me. He would let me know. But here I am, sitting alone, with nobody to love. Okay, that's wrong. I _do_ still love him, but he's just not here. So, I guess its like a loved one dying. Boy, that makes it all the more better. Not.

My mom let me stay home for a week. Of course, she couldn't comfort me in my time of need. Needless to say, she forced me back to school the next week. It was that or going to another shrink, which I _so_ wouldn't be doing. I'd rather willingly go to shifter lessons with Paul then to go to a shrink.

Well, that whole week, I laid in bed, contemplating my fucked up life. What was going to happen next?

Don't answer that.

When I returned to school, everyone was worried about me. When I say everyone, I mean _everyone_. God, even Kelly went up and asked me what was wrong. Well, Debbie didn't. But that probably was because she was blowing Dopey in the bathroom in between periods.

I was sent to Father Dom's office a few times. You know, he being the one who has to console everyone. I mean, I didn't mind. Well, up until he said it was bound to happen. Is it a crime to yell at a priest? Okay, try this. Is it a crime to yell at a priest using profanities?

I'm going to hell.

Paul was in a few of my classes. He was crude about it at first. Saying things like, "Suze, I told you the cowboy was going to leave you." Then I punched him in the face. I guess that's when he decided to be nice and compassionate.

I use the term compassionate very loosely.

So, yeah, school sucked. Not that it didn't before. But now, it was almost unbearable. If it wasn't for it being the week before final exams, I probably would have become a drop-out.

Hey, you try going to school with complete idiots. And then when said idiots go up to you everyday and say, "Aww, come on, Suze, cheer up." Yeah, not a bucket of joy.

Hmm. I just don't get it. Why my life is like this, I mean. I mean, one minute I was all happy with Jesse. Then I blinked, and he was gone.

Well, I guess I should try and cheer up. If Jesse were here, he wouldn't want me to grieve for him. He'd want me to move on and be happy. Like a normal girl.

Except I wasn't normal. Far from it actually. I saw ghosts and then fell in love with one. Its weird how things turn out, huh?

Well, things for my mom didn't turn out perfectly, either. Her first husband died and then ten years later, she remarried.

Maybe I should use her as an example. You know, get a new boyfriend and try and fall in love with him. Except you can't just go and expect to fall in love with someone. It just _happens._

So yeah, I guess maybe its time I did move on. Don't dwell in the past, as the saying goes. Live in the present, not the past.

I just had to face the facts. Jesse was gone and there was nothing I could do about it. And this time, it wasn't Paul.

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Review.

**- § -**

Lurve,

Nicole


	2. Chapter 2

**_Strawberry-Shortcake01 _**- Aww, Linds. Its ONE story. All of my other Mediator stories are J/S. So don't be such a party pooper.

**_LlamaDuck _**- Pre-Twilight. And it most definitely is NOT a one-shot. See? Here is the second chapter. And its longer than the first. That is a good thing.

_**Disclaimer:**_ Ms. Meg Cabot own everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.

_**Summary:**_ _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have_ dreamed_ of.

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**Inferiority**

**Chapter 2**

Summer came and went.

I wasn't really up to going out and hanging with my friends. You can understand that, right?

I mean, if you just lost someone you loved so much, wouldn't you feel like sulking and wasting away in your room?

Exactly.

So, yeah, summer wasn't that much of a hit for me this year.

I know I said I'd move on. And I will.

Its just that...it might take a while for me to get over it.

Over the summer I promised myself I'd find someone who would be good to me like Jesse was. I also promised myself that I'd take it slow and make sure I loved them.

Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart broken.

As soon as school started up again, I tried to turn over a new leaf. I tried to make a better impression than the last time I was at Junipero Serra Mission Academy. I got a whole new wardrobe - courtesy of my mom. I even tried to do good in school. I listened in class; I did my homework; hell, I even studied for my tests.

Things were starting to fall back in place.

...Except the whole love thing.

GOD, I have _got_ to stop _thinking_ about that.

I mean, I _am_ only 17. Some people don't even meet the person they love until they're in their thirties. But I really don't feel like waiting that long.

Look at my mom, though; she fell in love again - and with a good man, too.

Yeah...

CeeCee, Adam, and me for sitting at our usual table in the courtyard. We did the usual routine that we did everyday - eat lunch, gossip, make fun of Adam.

Then CeeCee piped up out of the blue. "So, Suze, we haven't really hung out in a while. Well, I mean, like we did last year. And I was thinking maybe you'd like to join Adam and me at the Clutch today."

She had a point. We used to hang everyday practically last year, and, well, this year, not so much.

"Sure, Cee. I'd love to," I replied.

Her violet eyes lit up. "Really?"

"Of course."

Then the glow went away. There was something wrong, I could tell.

"S-Suze, I - um, do you think we could talk? You know, us three?" she asked. Then she stole a side glance at Adam.

Was there something I should know?

"Oh. Yeah, Suze. We've been meaning to ask you something." Adam looked a little nervous, like he didn't want to bring up the subject - what that subject was, I have no clue - but knew he had to - for his and Cee's curiosity's sake.

And by the looks they were giving me, I knew what they wanted to know. And it was wrenching my heart just thinking about it.

"Suze? What's wrong?" Cee asked, her concern obviously showing.

"What? Nothing's wrong," I replied quickly.

"Oh, Suze, your crying," she said.

I was? Well, this was news to me. God, _why_ do I _always_ do this? And right in the middle of the courtyard.

Great, as if I'm not already too much of a freak as it is.

"Really? Oh, um, it must be allergies," was my stupid reply. God, as if she'd fall for that.

She smirked at me. "Suze, I'm not stupid. Just tell me what's the matter."

"You don't — nothing." God, when will I stop with these incessant lies?

"God, Su—" CeeCee started to say, but she was cut off by the loudspeaker.

"Will Susannah Simon please report to the principal's office please," came a sweet female voice in the loudspeaker.

"See you guys later," I yelled over my shoulder as I grabbed my messenger bag.

As I was walking through the long breezeway, I felt a familiar chill course through me.

And then I bumped into someone, nearly knocking them over.

"Jeez, Suze, watch where you're going!" came the shrill voice of Kelly Prescott.

"Oh, uh, sorry," I replied. Lovely, I know.

"You _should_ be sorry, you freak!" she yelled at me.

"Lay off her, Kelly," another - masculine - voice came from around the corner.

"P-Paul, I was just—"

Paul pushed passed her and grabbed my hand, instantly sending chills - good ones - down my spine. "I don't want to hear it, Kelly," he said to her. Then to me, he said, "Come on, Suze."

I was too stunned to do anything but let him lead me to Father Dominic's office.

"How did you know Father D wanted me?" I asked.

"They called your name over the loudspeaker," he replied.

Oh. DUH.

"Right," I said.

"Go right in you two," the secretary said.

I looked at Paul. "Father Dominic told me yesterday that he wanted to see me during lunch," he explained.

Oh.

Paul opened the door to Father Dom's office and held the door open for me as I walked in. He shut it behind us and took a seat beside me. For some odd reason, him sitting that close to me didn't bother me as much. Weird.

"Susannah, Paul, I trust you two know why you're here," Father Dom said.

Right. Our recent project. A.k.a the ghost of one of the novices that died of a blood clot near her heart. Her heart rate soared, as did her blood pressure, and it was too much for her heart, so it completely shut down, killing her. Well, at least that's what the doctors told us.

"Mmhmm," I mumbled.

"Well, Sister Helena doesn't seem to know what's holding her back," he told us.

Uh, duh. I figured that when she told me so.

"And we, as mediators—"

"Shifters," Paul corrected.

"Of course," Father Dom agreed - even thought it was only Paul and I as shifters. "We, as shifters and mediators must figure out what's keeping her here so she can move on peacefully."

"No offense, Father D, but I'm pretty sure Paul and I knew that."

And can you guess what he did, then?

He rolled his eyes at me!

Hmph.

"Well, Susannah, it seems I always need to remind you to not use your fists when dealing with ghosts, especially a novice," he said.

"Father Dom! I would _never _harm the ghost of a _novice_," I said, outraged. I mean, he thinks I'd purposely hurt a server of god? I would never!

"Okay, Susannah, calm down," he advised.

"Whatever," was my response.

And then we talked about how we could possible get her to move on. Personally, I couldn't care less, but Father Dom, who was the one who deemed the ability as a 'gift', insisted we do as much as we could.

Lovely.

So, we spent a good forty-five minutes in his office discussing the matter. Then he told us we could go back to class, when it was more than half way into seventh period - history with Mr. Walden.

Paul and I walked out, grabbing our passes from the secretary on our way. Then I noticed Paul following me.

I turned around to ask him why he was doing so, when he said, "Don't even bother, Simon. I'm in your history class, remember?"

That was the third time today when the word 'duh' seemed to classify the situation.

"Oh. Right. Sorry," I said.

"Not a problem," he simply said.

Then he walked in front of me to go to his locker. He got his books for the rest of the day out.

"Would you like an escort to your locker, Miss Simon?" he joked.

I looked back at his face - my eyes had wandered down the hallway because of a strange noise - and said - definitely out of character, too - "Why thank you, sir, you are ever so kind. Your company would be a pleasure."

He chuckled. "Okay, come on, before we get in trouble."

And then he grabbed my hand.

It was weird. I didn't feel like puking when his large warm, hand folded over my cold, tiny one. I actually felt little shots of electricity shooting up my arm. This wasn't normal.

And when he practically pulled me down the hallway toward my locker, my heart fluttered and sped up.

This DEFINITELY wasn't normal. Not by any means.

Then he stopped and I bumped into him. He laughed a little, while I mumbled a 'sorry'.

Then I thought, the normal side of me kicking in, _Hmm...he knows where my locker is? STALKER!_

I did my combination and got the right books, quickly glancing in the mirror on the inside of my locker. I looked pretty okay if I do say so myself.

Obviously Paul thought so too, because he said, "You look hot today, Simon."

Yep, that's definitely the Paul I know.

"So do you," I said.

WHAT!

That slipped out! I wasn't supposed to say that!

I take that back!

Paul grinned and said, "Glad you think so." Meanwhile, my face was as red as my t-shirt, which was the color of a tomato.

Gah, why does my subconscious ALWAYS speak for me!

You know what? I couldn't help but notice that Paul didn't smirk. He grinned. There IS a difference. And it - it meant something to me. That he didn't act cruel when I said that, even if I _was _completely embarrassed.

And stupid.

I shut my locker door quickly and said, "Okay, let's go before Waldo goes AWOL."

Again, Paul laughed.

Paul Slater laughed at MY stupid joke.

Or maybe he was just laughing at me.

"Alright," was all he said and we walked down the rest of the hallway toward Mr. Walden's classroom.

When we walked in, Waldo said, "Ah, look who's decided to join us, class."

Haha, very funny.

I smiled sheepishly, handed my pass over, and took my seat, as did Paul.

Well, without the smiling sheepishly part.

The remaining ten minutes or so were boring.

Well, except when CeeCee leaned over and asked why I was gone so long.

Paul was within earshot of her, so I knew he heard. So, I turned to him and gave him a what-the-  
hell-do-I-say? look. He just shrugged his shoulders.

Big help you are, Paul.

So, I just ended up telling CeeCee it was some Vice President crap.

But when she asked why Paul was there, I came up with some crap quickly.

"Oh, his grandfather is giving the school money for what we were talking about, and he had to be there."

"Oh, okay," she said. "But, wait. Why wasn't Kelly there, then?"

Okay, that was a good question. One that I did not have an answer to. Okay, I did, but not a very good one. I don't think "Because she was" would satisfy CeeCee's inquisitive instincts.

Luckily, before I could get an answer out, Mr. Walden dismissed us with a wave of his hand - we STILL didn't have a bell system, which majorly sucked.

I shot out of my seat and ran for the door. Fortunately, I escaped in time and went to my next class. Paul was in that one, too.

God, this is going to be a long day.

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**_Okay, I promise the next chapter will be more exciting. I was just trying to get a foundation for it and all. Understandable, right?_**

**_Alright, so just REVIEW for me, will ya? I need the reviews to get me going._**

**- § -**

Lurve,

Nicole


	3. Chapter 3

**Mrs. Nikki Slater **- Well, I never said _that_. But think what you like. After all, it might just come in handy.

**Koizak** - Amen, sister.

**Breaking.Benjamin **- Possibly. You'll just have to keep reading to find out.

**Madrigal Rossene **- Nice (short) review, Maddy. But thanks. You shall get your wish soon (and you should know what I mean). Oh, and EDIT THE PROLOGUE!

**treehuggr344** - Oh, I completely forgot about the novice. God, I'm an idiot. But, yeah, it'll come in to play eventually, once I figure out the plot and all.

**flonshoe** - Well I wouldn't say _action_. Not yet, at least. But yes, Lauren, thanks for the review.

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**Disclaimer:** Ms. Meg Cabot own everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.

**Summary:** _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have_ dreamed_ of.

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Inferiority

_**Chapter 3**_

"Hey," CeeCee said, coming up behind me after school. "You okay?"

I looked at her strangely, then unlocked my car door. "Yeah . . . why?"

She looked at my car door and back at me. "I dunno," she said, walking to the other side of the car. "You've just been acting so _distant_ for the past few months, Suze." She then got in the car after me and looked me dead in the face. "Suze did something happen? Tell me if something did, please."

I looked at her and sighed. Then I looked out the window, away from her intense gaze. "I - I _will_ tell you, Cee. Just . . ." I said, turning back to look at her. "Not here. Not now."

She kept her focus on my eyes for a few more seconds, then nodded. "Okay," she said.

I proceeded to drive her home, since Adam was away at his cousin's house this week, or something, in Texas. Kind of doesn't surprise me. That he has cousins in Texas, I mean.

After I dropped her off I went straight to my room, half expecting someone to be sitting on my window seat reading _Critical Theory Since Plato_.

My hope deflated when I remembered just exactly what had gone down only a mere few months before.

I flopped on my bed and started to do my homework. I had a calculus test tomorrow, so I had to go over my formulas and stuff.

About three hours later, while I was reading a book for English class, my mother knocked on my door. "Susie?" she asked.

"Yeah?"

She came in. She had a weird look on her face. A worried one, but it was a little more than that. "Honey, we need to talk."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh?"

She came and sat down next to me on my bed. "Suze, what's going on?" she asked, exasperated.

"What do you mean?" I asked nonchalantly.

"I mean," she said, playing with the trim on my quilt, "why have you been so . . . distant lately?" she said, using the same exact terminology CeeCee used.

"Mom, I'm just going through a hard time right now," I replied. It's true, I was, but she had no clue why.

"Do you want to talk about it?" she asked softly.

I shook my head. "No thanks, Mom. I'm - I better just keep it to myself. It's not all that bad," I replied. Okay, a _total_ lie on my part, but she had no clue.

She bit her lower lip. "You're sure?" she asked. "Susie, I just want you to be happy. And . . . well, these past few months you've been . . . well, _not_ happy."

"I know, Mom," I said. "But I'll work it out myself, okay?"

She looked at me intensely for a bit, but nodded. "If you want to talk, you know where to find me," she said, getting up. She got to the door and was about to close it after she walked out, but turned back around and said, "Oh, and dinner will be ready in a bit. I'll call you when it's done." Then she left.

I sighed and slumped into my bed.

My life is so screwed up.

"Dammit, I _knew_ I shouldn't have had him around for that long," I mumbled under my breath. You probably know who I'm talking about anyway.

"Suze, dinner!" I heard my mom yell a few minutes later.

Peachy.

I ate dinner with my family, then went back to my room to call CeeCee to see if she wanted to do anything.

"Sorry, Suze," she said after I asked her, "but I have to go out to dinner with my family. I'm really sorry."

"Nah, it's all right. I'll just go by myself," I said.

But I didn't really want to go alone. Not after I had been alone for months. Sure, that may have been my fault, but now I was really feeling the loneliness.

So I went out jogging by myself. I tried getting Max to move, but he was too stuffed from all the food I gave him at dinner - which happened to be practically my whole plate.

I jogged about a mile and a half away from my house, when it started raining - _pouring_ is more like it.

Great, I had to jog home in this. Or walk.

I had walked about a half a mile in the pouring rain, when I heard a car door open. "Suze, get in!" I heard a guy yell through the racket from the rain.

I turned around and instantly recognized the person that had called me. Not by his voice and not by his clothes, car, or body. But by his eyes. You could recognize those icy blue eyes in anything. "Paul, what the hell are you doing?"

"Giving you a ride," he replied, walking up to me and risking getting his clothes soaked, which they were already.

"I don't need a ride, Slater," I snarled and kept jogging.

I heard him give a frustrated sigh behind me. He ran to catch up to me, leaving his car door wide open and behind us. He took hold of my upper arm. "Suze, you're drenched, as am I. It's more than a mile to your house." Then he added, "I won't try anything, I swear. I just want to get you home safely."

I looked at him hard and sighed. "Fine," I said and walked back to his car with him.

"You don't care about your leather seats getting wet?" I asked.

He shook his head and chuckled. "As long as you get home fine, then no."

I stared at him intensely. I'll never understand this guy, will I?

We were both soaking wet in his car. Plus, my shirt was completely see-through now and I only had a white sports bra underneath it, and that got wet and . . . well, you get the idea. Needless to say, I crossed my arms across my chest the whole time.

On the way, my stomach growled really loudly. Paul looked at me and smirked. "You hungry?"

I shook my head. Well, I _was_, but he didn't need to know. I'd just sneak something when I got home.

"Suze," he said, shaking his head. "Yes, you are. We'll stop at a deli or something so we can get something. I haven't eaten yet either."

"Paul—"

"Suze. You're eating." Then he took his eyes off the road and looked at me. "Don't do this just because of _him_," he said.

As much as I wanted to play dumb, I knew what he was talking about. I nodded my head, even though the reason I didn't want to eat was because of Paul, not Jesse. "Okay," I said meekly.

He kept to his word. He didn't try anything and he drove right to a little deli place around the corner that I never knew was even there.

We got a booth by the window, so we could see the storm progressing outside. It was getting bigger and there was no way we could even drive through that.

Great, I was stuck with Paul Slater for a good few hours.

And on top of that, Mom is going to _kill_ me. Oh God, Mom—

"Here," Paul said, handing me his cell phone. "You might want to call your mom and let her know that you're okay."

Weird. It's like he was reading my mind.

I nodded and took the phone. I tried calling, but there was no signal. The storm ruined any chance of communication. Maybe if I asked the person at the counter.

"Excuse me," I said, walking up to the counter after handing Paul his phone. When the counter person gave me their attention, I said, "Can I borrow your phone? My friend's phone isn't getting a signal."

The person smirked when I said 'friend'. Then his gaze lowered to my chest. GOD, are ALL men like this?

Paul came up behind me and said, "This young lady just asked to borrow a phone. Can she?" he asked, glaring at the guy.

"Y-yeah," the guy stuttered when he got a good look at Paul. I could understand; Paul's a bit intimidating. Then he motioned for me to go behind the counter.

"Thanks," I said, and dialed home.

"Hello?" my mother answered.

"Mom, it's me. I'm at a deli in town."

"Oh, my God, Suze. You're okay? I was so worried—"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Someone I knew from school happened to drive by when it started pouring. We're in a deli right now." I smiled at my mom's reaction. I could see picture her right now, calling everyone she knew, trying to find where I was. Good ol' worried Mom. Gotta love her.

"Oh good," she said, sighing in relief. "The storm's supposed to go on for another few hours. Your friend shouldn't go driving in this, okay, Susie? Just stay in the deli until the storm passes."

"I know, Mom," I replied.

"Oh, honey, you're probably gonna catch a cold, sitting there with drenched clothes for hours. Your friend doesn't have any spare shirts or anything?" she asked, concerned.

"Mom, I'm fine. I'm not _that_ bad," I said, even thought I was probably worse than she thought.

She sighed again. "Oh, alright. Just get home as soon as the storm passes or lightens up."

"Will do, Mom."

"I love you, Susie."

"Love you too, Mom. See ya," I replied and hung up.

I went back and sat with Paul. Our food had already gotten there, but he didn't have a bite. I looked at him weirdly and said, "Are you really hungry? Or were you just saying that so you could get me alone?"

He chuckled. "No, I really am hungry. I was just waiting for you. And we are _hardly_ alone," he said, nodding toward the guy at the counter who was watching us intently.

I rolled my eyes. "Whatever." Then I dug in. All I have to say is, that was the best damn sandwich I ever had.

Paul saw how fast I ate that. "Going for a medal, Suze?" he asked, while chuckling.

My face immediately heated up. I _hate_ blushing. "Shut up. I was hungry." When I saw him just smile and shake his head, I said, "God, that was a good sandwich."

He nodded. "I can tell." Then by the dirty look I gave him, he said, "I come here all the time. Best sandwiches I've ever had."

We talked and stuff until the storm passed. And the weird thing is . . . I never once, that whole time we were talking, thought about how much I hated this guy.

And as I would later find out: There is a fine line between love and hate.

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**Well, you know the drill. If you want more, you gotta _REVIEW_!**


	4. Chapter 4

**Sorry this took so long to get up. I realized that the reason I couldn't get it uploaded was because my computer was being retarded and FFN wasn't accepting my Wordperfect documents, so I had to transfer this chapter over to Wordpad. And, voila, it worked. Now I have to do that for my other fics. Well, at least until I can get my mom to rebuild my computer. Until then . . . its Wordpad for me!**

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**Madrigal Rossene -** Maddy, I love you. And will you please send the damn chapter to me! I get this up for you and it is 9 frickin' pages, when I only planned 6 at the most. So, yeah, PLEASE send it to me.

**Askura **- Thanks. -blushes- Hmm . . . maybe I'll be able to convert you to the dark side . . . -cackles- -cough- Uh, riiiiight . . . I think I said too much . . . hehe. -laughs nervously-

**Summer Madison** - Well - uh . . . Jesse won't exactly be able to _see_ them, since he is no longer on their plane of existence. He went kaput. But, I assure you, it will all be explained in later chapters.

**Breaking.Benjamin **- Hmm . . . I'll try. Later chapters though. Don't want to rush it, you know?

**Thanks to everyone else who reviewed!**

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_**Disclaimer:**_ Meg Cabot own everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.

_**Summary:**_ _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have_ dreamed_ of.

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Inferiority

**Chapter 4**

But when I woke up the next morning, I felt the guilt. I completely blew up . . . at myself.

I . . . GOD, I'm an idiot.

When I woke up and looked at the window seat, I immediately thought of Jesse. I just - what if he was still around, just avoiding me, and I went out (for lack of better words) with . . . _Paul_.

But he's been gone for so _long_. It's been almost a year. I mean, if he was really here, wouldn't he have visited me? Just once?

He told me he loved me. He said it. So _why_ did he have to go and leave me? Was I really that bad?

I mean, so what if our relationship wouldn't work in the long run. We could just enjoy it here in the now. But Jesse wasn't one to do that. Jesse was - is - my everything. And now he's gone.

And it's probably all my fault too.

"Suze, I have to go out for a minute, are you going to be—?" she cut herself off and looked at me. "Susie," she, walking over to me. "Aw, honey, your crying . . ."

Wait, _what_?

I lifted my hand to my face and touched my cheek. Yep, there were definitely some tears there.

Awesome.

"Here, sweetie," she said, handing me a tissue that she grabbed off my night stand. "What's wrong?" she asked softly.

I shook my head. "I'm fine. I just - I'm fine, Mom."

"Honey," she said, shaking her head. "I don't want to force anything out of you, but . . . you've been like this for a long time. I'm just . . . starting to wonder."

"You wouldn't understand, Mom," I mumbled, instantly regretting saying them.

"Why?" she asked incredulously. "Honey, I've been through a lot, too, and I just really wish you'd tell me."

I shook my head again. "Maybe another time," I whispered.

She stood up angrily. "Fine," she said shortly, all the compassion gone from her voice. "I'll be running some errands for a few hours. Will you be okay here?"

I looked at her, trying not to cry harder. Why was she being this way? She should know this is hard on me and that I just need more time. "Y-yes," I managed to choke out.

"Good," she replied and walked out of my room, shutting the door behind her. More like slamming actually.

That gesture only made me sob harder. My life sucks.

Great, I'm gonna spend another Saturday indoors, crying.

Then someone knocked on my door. I'd just pretend I'm not here.

And then that someone walked right in. "Hey, Suze, do you have the history homework . . .?" That's when he - Dopey - really saw me. "Suze . . . are you crying? Oh, my God, you're human!" he screeched.

"Haha," I mocked laughed, "real funny. And didn't anyone ever tell you that you wait until someone says to come in after you knock, you moron?"

"And the humanity is gone," he sad solemnly.

You know, he's gotten more bearable the past year. And he actually, which surprises me the most, got smarter. It's a miracle.

"So . . ." he said, "what was the homework?"

I rolled my eyes, after wiping them on the back of my hand. "I'll make a deal with you," I conspired. "Don't tell anyone you saw me like this and I'll tell you the homework."

He looked at me questioningly for a minute. "Hmm . . . you know I could just ask someone else from school, but . . . fine. I won't tell anyone."

Despite my current state, I smiled. "Good." Then I pointed at my agenda book on my computer desk. "It's written in there somewhere. Knock yourself out."

He rolled his eyes and walked over, opening the agenda book. He glanced in it quickly, then shut it. "Great, thanks," he said and walked right out.

I sighed and flopped back on my bed.

**- § -**

"Wait, what?"

CeeCee rolled her radiant violet eyes. "God, Suze, zone out much?" she asked, laughing. "I asked if you would go to that party with me this weekend."

"What party?" I asked.

"You know . . ." she replied. When it was clear to her that I did not know, she said, "The one that new kid is throwing. That new, rich kid - uh . . . Tom, I think his name was."

"Why? Were you invited?" I asked. Probably not. Nobody really invites her to parties. I mean, not to be mean or anything, but we're not _their_ kind of people, you know. CeeCee is certainly no Miss Fabulous and neither am I. Let's face it, people like _us_ do not get invited to rich kids' parties.

"Yeah. Why, does that surprise you?" she asked defensively.

"Wait, you were invited?" I asked incredulously.

"Yes, Suze," she said _really_ defensive. "You were too. Duh, remember when the kid handed us the invitations at lunch yesterday?"

Uh, no.

But I didn't want to burst her bubble.

"Oh, yeah," I said, laying it on thick. I really had no clue what she was talking about. "But why do I have to go with you?"

She smirked. "Think about it, Suze. A party. My mom won't let me go out anywhere on Saturday nights without you or Adam there."

"Oh," I said, "well, you can take Adam and not me, can't you? I'm not that good with parties anyway."

"Suze, Adam . . . well, I'm trying to get over him. I'm thinking maybe I'll meet a guy at the party that actually _returns_ my feelings, you know?"

"Um, right. But are you sure? At least you know Adam is decent. All those other guys just want girls for sex. I mean, really, Cee. Meeting a guy at a kegger? Not such a good idea," I responded. If it wasn't for Adam being in the conversation, I would have encouraged her meeting a guy there. But I knew Adam reciprocated her feelings, and she just didn't know yet.

Le sigh . . . the things I do for friends.

And then I thought . . . maybe I could hook CeeCee and Adam up at the party. Hey, it's worth a try.

"You know what, Cee? I'll go. But - uh . . . where is the party again?" I asked.

She fished in her purse for the invitation. "Here, take it. Just pick me up at—"

"Eight," I cut her off. "Actually, why don't you come over my house earlier so we could get ready?"

She literally jumped up and down. "Yeah, totally! Okay, I'll come by in an hour," she said.

Oh, yeah. We were at the Coffee Clutch. I forgot to mention that, I guess.

She stood up from her seat. "Okay, I'll be over your house in an hour then, okay?" she said, pushing her chair in.

"Yeah," I said, following suit.

**- § -**

"Hey, Adam?" I called him on his cell before CeeCee was supposed to come over.

"Hey, Suze. What's up?"

"Actually, I was wondering if you were going to that party tonight. Cee and I are going so you know."

"Oh. Yeah, sure, I'll go. What time are you guys going?" he asked.

"Umm . . . probably around nine or so. So I'll see you there?" I asked. I was so hoping he'd say yes. Then I could come up with a plan and get him and CeeCee together . . .

"Yeah, yeah, of course."

"Great."

**- § -**

The music was beating loud as hell. I could feel it vibrating through the walls and floor and up through my feet, coursing through my body.

Ew . . . that kinda sounds gross.

Whatever.

So, yeah, we arrived at the party. Cee and I got there around five after nine.

What also sucked was that my step-brother would also be here. I saw him leave a little earlier than us. Pretty much everyone from school would be here.

The house was huge, that's all I have to say.

We walked out to the back of the house, and out to the patio. There was a gigantic pool there. Already some jock was in there, probably drunk as hell.

And then I spotted Adam out by the pool laughing at what some girl said to him. Wait, recap. A girl that isn't CeeCee or me. Talking to Adam McTavish. Oh, my God.

Then CeeCee looked in the direction of my gaze and saw Adam. "You've got to be kidding," she mumbled under her breath.

"Come on." I grabbed her arm and practically dragged her over there.

"Hey, McTavish," I greeted.

He looked surprised, to say the least.

What, I told him to come, so why was he so surprised. "Simon, hey," he said, giving me a little hug. "What's up?"

"Dunno." I shrugged. Then I elbowed CeeCee.

"Ow." Then she looked at Adam. "Hey, Adam," she greeted shyly.

Shy? Aw, come on, Cee . . .

"Cobweb," he said, smiling. I saw CeeCee blush. Luckily it was dark, so you really couldn't tell . . . much. "Well, it's great to see you guys." Then he gestured to the girl who looked a tad bit left out. "Maddy, these are my best friends, CeeCee and Suze. Suze, Cee, this is Maddy."

"Hello," Maddy said kindly. Then she shook our hands. "Nice to meet you."

"Hey," I smiled. "Well," I said, looking back at CeeCee, "we'll see you guys later."

"Later," Adam said,

We walked back inside the house and into a secluded area.

"See?" CeeCee said. "He'll never think of me as anything other than a friend!" she yelled.

"Cee, calm down, okay? Maybe he's just as shy as you are . . ."

"Shy? Adam?" she half-laughed.

"Okay, maybe not _shy_. Maybe he's just as _afraid_ as you are of ruining the relationship you already have. Cee, he won't know that you feel the same if you never tell him. If you _told_ him, maybe . . . maybe he might actually like you back." Then I laughed. "I mean, seriously, Cee. If he doesn't notice you tonight, then he's more of a moron than I thought."

Seriously, though. She looked awesome. We spent two hours working on our outfits and stuff. I finally let her borrow some of my clothes. She was wearing a skirt and a tank top. The skirt was a white, flow-y peasant skirt coupled with a wide leather belt and brown flip-flops. The tank top was brown, long and a v-neck. We did her make-up with natural shades. Her light skin glowed and her violet eyes shown. She looked . . . stunning. And that's just coming from her best friend.

I, on the other hand, went with the casual skater chick look. I was wearing ripped Levi's with a black Volcom t-shirt and leather flip-flops. I left my hair down, but I blow-dried it so it wasn't all frizzy. I didn't straighten it, so it was my natural look. I only put mascara and black eye-liner on and a little lip gloss. I looked pretty good, if I do say so myself.

"Maybe," she said softly.

"Hey, look," I said, getting her attention. "I'm gonna go see if anyone spiked the punch yet and tell Brad not to drink more than two beers, or else I'm gonna have to drive him home with me."

She laughed. "Okay. I'm gonna wander around a little. See you in a bit."

I smiled. "If you need me, just call my phone, 'kay?"

She nodded and wandered off.

"Hey," I said, walking up to Brad.

"Suze?" he asked, confused. "What the hell are you doing here?"

"Is that any way to treat your sister?" I asked jokingly.

He rolled his eyes. "Didn't know you were coming. You usually skip these things."

"Eh, Cee wanted someone to come with her." I shrugged.

"What about the fag?" he asked. "I'd thought they would have got it on by now, OW!"

I smacked him. "_You_ are intolerable. He's not a fag, you ass. Maybe _you_ are the fag, Brad." I rolled my eyes. "You have no respect for anyone."

"Shut up," he snapped. "Hey, I saw her in there, by the way. She looked hot. Never thought a freak like her could look so—OW! What the fuck!"

"Brad, stop being a dickhead. Anyway, I just came over here to tell you not to drink too much. Don't feel like having to drive you home," I said, laughing. Then I lowered my voice. "If you touch CeeCee, I will personally castrate you, got it?"

He gluped. "Yeah."

"Good, now have fun," I said, walking away.

I smiled when I realized his friends were walking me as I walked away. I heard Dopey yell, "Dude, that's my _sister_!" Ha, wonder what they said.

I didn't see Adam still outside, so I went into the kitchen to grab a beer or something. I found Adam in there, still talking to the same blonde.

"Hey, Adam," I said, grabbing a beer.

"Suze," he said. Then he looked around. "Where is CeeCee?" he asked.

"Ah, somewhere," I said nonchalantly. "I needed to talk to you for a minute . . . alone."

He glanced at the girl next to him. "I'll be right back," he said and followed me into the bathroom.

Okay, to any other person, this would seem like we were sneaking away to make out or screw or something. But come on people, this is _Adam McTavish_. I don't really fancy him, if you know what I mean.

"Okay, so what's so important?" he asked. "Unless you invited he in here to . . . do something else . . ."

"Adam," I said sternly, "this is serious."

"Okay, then I'm all ears."

I sighed. "It's CeeCee," I confessed.

"What!" he asked, worried. "What happened to her? Is she okay?" Okay, now he was really worried. I can tell this is more than being worried about a best friend.

"Yes, Adam, she's fine . . . physically."

"Ah, I always knew she had a screw loose," he said jokingly.

"Adam, this isn't funny," I absconded. "Look, she . . . you love her, don't you?" I blurted out.

Look, I'm not known for my tact, okay?

"What?" he practically yelled.

"No need to deny it. I can tell," I said. I laughed at his reaction. "Adam, why don't you just tell her . . . if you don't soon, I'm pretty sure the whole 'best friends' thing isn't going to last very long . . ."

"What are you talking about, Suze?"

I looked at him and rolled my eyes. Men.

"Adam. I know you're in love with her. But you need to tell her that. She - look, I'm not supposed to tell you this, but she . . . feels the same way. I know she does. She didn't exactly tell me at first, but I guessed and she confessed - haha, that rhymes."

"Suze," he said, sitting down at the edge of the tub, and putting his head in his hands. "Please don't be playing a joke on me. Please."

"I'm not, Adam. I - just go out there and find her. Tell her, okay? She needs to hear it. She's about to crack, Adam, okay?" I said seriously. I so didn't want to tell him it, but if I didn't . . . well, I couldn't count on them doing it by themselves.

"I . . . this isn't a joke, right?" he said, I guess trying to make sure.

"Does it look like it, Adam. I would never joke about this."

I saw the serious look on his face. So I was right . . . SCORE!

"All right," he said, getting up. He walked right out the door and out of my sight.

YES, I actually accomplished something tonight.

I went and let Maddy know that he wouldn't be coming back.

When she asked why, I just said, "He went and did something he should've done a long time ago."

"The girl? CeeCee, right? He went to go find her, didn't he?" she asked, her eyes alight.

"W-what?"

"You don't have to play dumb with me. I saw how he looked at her. And she really is a very pretty girl."

I just walked away from her. That kind of freaked me out a bit. I thought that was something only best friends would notice. But then what Brad said hit me too: "I'd thought they would have got it on by now." He saw it too.

Wow.

I was wandering out into the living room, sipping my beer.

And then I walked straight into someone.

Who could that someone be?

Go on, guess.

Got it?

Yep, it is.

It was . . .

. . . Paul.

Just my luck.

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**Okay, do what you usually do after you read an update. And if its not what I hope it is, make it what I hope it is.**

**You know, REVIEW!**

**Thankies!**

**Lurve,**

**Nicole**


	5. Chapter 5

**For all you Paulie lovers, you shall get some fluff in this chapter. Its not much, I'm sorry, but it's still something, you know? As most of you know, this is going to be P/S so don't be surprised if you are a Jesse-worshipper. And don't be surprised with what happens between the two odd ones. It shall get better in the end, my friends.**

**And this chappy is a little short. I apologize for that.**

**Thanks to my reviewers, I appreciate them very much.

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**_Disclaimer:_ Meg Cabot owns everything you recognize. Everything you don't . . . well, I own that.**

**_Summary:_ _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have even_dreamed_ of.**

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**Inferiority**

**Chapter 5**

"Suze," Paul drawled when he realized who bumped into him. "What a lovely surprise."

I rolled my eyes. "I was just leaving," I said and started to walk away. I say started because I didn't really get that far.

"Suze, come on," he coaxed, while gripping my upper arm. His thumb gently rubbed the inside of my arm.

"Paul, I am so not in the mood right now," I responded and attempted to shake his arm off. But when I did that, he just gripped tighter. He moved that tiny bit closer to me, which unnerved me quite a bit. He started pulling me toward somewhere quieter. "Paul, what the hell are you doing?" I yelled, so he could hear me over the music and people.

"We have to talk, Suze," was all he said.

I tried getting away, but he just gripped my arm even harder. We ended up in a room on the first floor. Thank God there were no people in here, or I would have puked. But being alone with _Paul_ was also enough to make me puke.

I turned to him and said, as calmly as I could, "Why do we have to talk, Paul?"

"Because," he said, shutting the bedroom door, "there is something going on between us."

I snorted. "Right," I said, taking a seat on the bed. As uncomfortable as I was, I knew he wouldn't let me out the door without us conversing a little bit.

I glanced at the walls and noticed pictures on them. I got up and looked closer. There was that new kid in two of them with this really pretty girl. I know I've seen her before, too, but whatever. I guess now's not the time to think about that.

The walls were a deep blue, making the room appear extremely dark and gloomy. But the overhead light was on though. Still, the room appeared glum and all.

"Suze, are you even listening?" Paul asked, outraged.

My head snapped up and I turned around to face him. "Huh?"

He sighed, exasperated. "You didn't hear anything I said?" he asked carefully.

"Um . . . no," was my brilliant response.

He gritted his teeth. "Listen now, okay? I'm not repeating it again." He went and sat down on the bed, while I was still standing by the photos. He patted the bed beside him.

"Erm . . . I'll stand, thanks," I said uneasily. No way was I sitting right next to him.

"Whatever," he said. He knitted his hands together nervously. All the confidence he had earlier slipped away.

Wow, Paul Slater is nervous. About something he's going to say to me.

"Suze," he said. "I - uh . . . look, I just want to know if you feel the tiniest bit of anything toward me besides hate."

I laughed. "Nope. Nothing here, Paul." Well, that's what I _wanted_ to say. All that came out was, "Umm . . ."

He sighed again. "Okay, forget that." Then he chuckled nervously. "You remember the other night? At the deli? I . . . well, I kind of . . . felt something there. I just - I dunno, some kind of connection or something."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh, really?" Then I looked around the room. I then realized that he was off the bed and coming toward me. Soon enough, he was right in front of me, practically breathing down my neck.

"I wanted to know if you felt it too," he whispered. Then he leaned in ever so slightly and captured my lips with his own.

I'd like to say that I pushed him away and spat at him, saying I hated him with all my guts. But . . . well, that kind of didn't happen.

I, as ashamed as I am of it, kissed him back. And just as the kiss deepened, someone walked in the room.

"Holy shit!" they yelled.

I pushed Paul back and he stumbled a little, almost falling on his ass. I would've laughed in any other situation, but this was kind of . . . serious.

I looked at the intruder . . . Adam.

I glowered at him. "Adam, what the hell are you doing?" I yelled.

He smirked. But I could also tell that he was sad and angry. "Well, I _was _going to hide out in here, but I came across something . . ."

"What? We weren't doing anything. We were just—" I looked at Paul then back at Adam. " . . . talking. Yeah, we were talking."

Adam laughed. "Talking? If that's they way people are talking now, I definitely should talk more with chicks."

That's when I panicked. He wouldn't . . . would he?

"Adam, I swear to God, if you tell _anyone_—"

"I won't tell anyone, Suze. But if I hadn't come in, you two probably would have been going at it," he remarked.

I looked at Paul and he grinned. "I wouldn't mind that situation terribly."

I clenched my fists. "You two are insatiable."

Notice how I didn't act like I normally did. I changed. I realized I did too. I realized that I was acting _nice_ - more or less - after Paul Slater had shoved his tongue down my throat. And I realized that Adam had witnessed that also.

But most of all . . . I realized that I actually _liked_ Paul shoving his tongue in my mouth. That realization had me squirming inside.

"But you love me, Suze," Adam said.

That's when normal Suze came back and said, "Adam shut up and, Paul," I said, "you are a fucking asshole."

I punched Paul in the stomach and stormed out of the room, trying to find my way through the crowd.

I found CeeCee in the corner of the kitchen, sobbing.

This night just keeps getting better and better.

I crouched down and sat next to her. "Cee, what's wrong?" I asked.

She looked up at me and I saw how red her eyes were. She'd been crying for some time now. "Oh, S-Suze," she said, burying her face in my shirt. "I-it's Adam!" she cried.

I tore her head from me shirt. "Adam? What did he do?" I asked. God, I leave himto do one little thing right and he screws it up!

"H-he didn't d-do anything! It was m-me!" she said, sobbing even harder.

"Cee, what—?"

"It's all T-t-tom's f-fault!" she yelled.

"Huh?" I asked, confused. What the hell was she talking about. I couldn't really hear her that well. "Cee, come on, I'll take you to my car. We should leave."

**- § -**

"So let me get this straight," I said after taking a bite of my apple. "Tom asked you to dance and you said yes because you didn't think Adam actually cared for you more than just a friend."

She nodded and put her head down.

"Okay . . . And then he . . . kissed you," I said uneasily. Okay, this Tom guy was kind of hot, but not really CeeCee's type. She doesn't dig the hot rich guys, unlike me. "And that was when Adam walked in."

She looked at me and burst into tears. I went over and sat next to her on the daybed, whilst rubbing her back sympathetically. "I th-thought I was over him!" she cried, literally. "A-and he showed up-p when I w-was h-h-happy!"

That was when I just let her cry.

When she calmed down, I said, "Cee, I think its time I tell you what was wrong with me." What I said was rather vague, so I really didn't expect her to understand what I meant.

When she did, though, I was kind of glad, because I didn't feel like reminding myself before I told her.

"Really? Suze, you don't have to. I mean, if this is an attempt to make me feel better—"

"Cee, really. I just think its time you knew is all."

And then I told her. Everything. Every little possible detail.

Let's just hope she doesn't think I'm crazy.

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**Another cliffy. Heehee, I'm evil. I guess it wasn't as much of one as the last chapter, but still.**

**Well, you know what I want.**

**I'm a review-monger. Relieve my review-monger-ness and review, please.**

**Lurve,**

**Nicole**


	6. Chapter 6

**I am soo sorry this took so long. I have other stories out there and I was busy updating them. And I also have school too. That takes up a lot of time too, you know.**

**Well, anywho, I hope you enjoy this chapter. I _was_ going to add more, but I thought it was good where it ended. Where I stopped sounded like a good conclusion to this chapter.**

**Next chappy will be about CeeCee and Adam. I'm not quite sure if they'll make up or not. Hmm . . .**

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Mediator characters, though I wish I did, since then I'd be really rich.

**Summary** _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have even _dreamed_ of.

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**(Dedicated to Lauren (flonshoe) for practically begging me to update in her reviews to my other stories. That's really what encouraged me to finish writing this chapter.)**

**_Inferiority_**

**Chapter 6**

She gaped at me. Sort of like a fish, I guess.

Great. She thinks I'm whack. Just what I need right now. First Paul kissing me and Adam seeing, then the whole CeeCee and Adam thing not going according to plan. Then . . . Jesse . . .

Okay, Suze, don't think about that now. Just . . . don't.

"Suze, please tell me this isn't a joke," she said, her face deadpan.

I closed my eyes for a minute and took a deep breath. This is exactly what I didn't want to happen. I thought maybe CeeCee of all people would believe me. But . . . ugh.

I opened my eyes again. "Cee, how could you think this is a joke? I'm more serious now than I've ever been. Please . . ." I felt that familiar tingle in my nose and sting behind my eyes. No, I'm not gonna cry. "Just believe me, please. You . . . you're the only one I've ever told and for you not to believe me . . ." My eyes filled up with tears.

God I was easy lately. I was like a water fountain.

"Oh, Suze," CeeCee said, giving me a hug. "Please don't cry . . ." Then she pulled away from me and put on a serious face. "I do believe you. It's hard to, since I have no proof. But I know you would never lie about something like this. And it explains why you've changed . . ."

She got up off my bed and went over to the window seat and sat down, gazing lazily out the bay window. She stayed like that for a few moments. And when she turned her head, I realized that she'd been crying also.

Great, it's one big cry-fest in Suze's bedroom.

"Suze," she said softly. "Why did he do that?"

I thought she was talking about Jesse, so I didn't reply. I couldn't to that kind of question. Because, really, I honestly didn't know. I have no clue why he'd suddenly up and leave me like that. I just couldn't fathom it.

"Why did Adam do that to me!" she practically yelled and erupted in hysterical sobs.

Oh . . . that's who she'd been talking about.

Oh, my God.

"Oh . . ." I said, realization dawning on me. "Cee, don't. I . . ." I went over to sit next to her on my window seat. The very seat that Jesse used to sit in all the time. Sometimes I could still see him sitting here when I got home from school. But it was always just wishful thinking. It always was and always will be. That's what sickens me. "I told Adam. He likes you, Cee. A lot. He told me. And . . . well, I kind of told him that you liked him too. A lot." I gulped and then took a deep breath. "And then I sent him looking for you. But I hadn't realized . . . well, I didn't know you'd be dancing with someone else . . ."

She had her knees dragged up to her chest and had her head buried in her knees. Then she brought her head up and said, "We weren't just dancing."

I choked. "What?"

"We . . . I had a few beers, Suze - yes, CeeCee Webb had some beers. And, I guess I had a few too many. I - I was kissing him when Adam showed up." She hung her head. "I just . . . he was really the only guy that actually showed interest in me. I mean, he _kissed_ me."

I thought back to Paul. It was sort of the same scenario. I thought Jesse didn't like - _love_ - me. So when Paul came by, I kind of let him do as he pleased. Sure, it was only kissing and I wasn't intoxicated, but still.

I heard something crinkle below CeeCee. I guess she did too, because she shifted and grabbed whatever was located beneath the window seat cushions. A piece of paper.

At the time, I really didn't care to look at it, so I just threw it on the floor. I'd throw it away later, I thought. Little did I know how important it would be to me.

- § -

I woke up to the rain pattering on the roof. _Oh, crap, I left the window open_, I immediately thought when I opened my eyes. But when I galnce toward the bay window, I noticed CeeCee sitting over there, staring absent-mindedly out the window. She had dragged knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.

Curiously, I got up and sat next to her. Still, she didn't budge. "CeeCee?"

She shook her head and came out of whatever trance she was in. "Oh, hi. Sorry, I was just . . ." she trailed off. But she didn't have to finish. I understood perfectly, considering I've done that many times before. I even had Doc shaking me one time because I was so absorbed in my thoughts. It's kind of funny how that happens sometimes.

"Oh!" she said, her eyes widening. She reached into her hoodie pocket and extracted a piece of paper. It was the one that she found under the window seat cushion last night. "I woke up really early and saw that you were still asleep, so I tried getting back to sleep, but to no avail. So, naturally, I was bored. I found this paper on the floor and was inquisitive." She opened the paper and quickly shoved it at me. "Suze, you have to read it. It made me fully believe what you told me last night." I stared at the paper curiously, but hadn't started reading it yet. "Suze, it's a letter addressed to you."

I looked down at the paper again and read the first line.

Dearest Susannah,

Oh, God. I . . . I already know who this is from. But it can't be, can it? I continued reading.

By the time you get this letter, if in fact you find it at all, I will have gone. I am very sorry to say that I had to leave. However, it was for the best, Susannah.

I have a feeling that we will meet in another lifetime. But our love in your lifetime was simply not meant to be. I know you loved me and I was certain that I loved you, but it just wouldn't have worked. I need you to understand that.

A tear dripped on to the paper. Great, I was crying again. But this was just so . . . unbelievable. It was like he was speaking to me beyond the grave. Well, he was all the times I had talked to him, but that was different, because I could actually _see_ him and know that he was there. But now . . . I knew he was one for good._I found what was holding me back. Those 150 years of being a ghost I never knew what kept me here. Until you came along, that is. I needed to meet you, see you, fall hopelessly in love with you. Don't you see? It was meant to be this way. I know you will find someone else. Someone more . . . alive._

_Susannah, you were the thing that was keeping me tied to this plane of existence. It was because of you that I remained a ghost for a century and a half. I don't mean that in a harsh way, but it's true. And when I found out that you, indeed, loved me, I knew that it was time. Time I had left._

_And then you and I took it too far. We spent that night together, Susannah, and I must admit, it was pure bliss for me. But I must say, it really shouldn't have happened. Because of that night, I was forced to leave you. I was finally content with everything in the world. Content with _you.

_As you read this, though, I want you to know that I will always love you. Forever. And, who knows, maybe we will meet again in your lifetime. I highly doubt it, but anything's possible, right?_

I had to laugh at that. Jesse always did have a sense of humor.

_Just promise me one thing, _querida_, don't dwell on me. Don't get hung up on our love. I know that there_ is _someone else out there for you and you will find them eventually. Date other men, Susannah, and find your second love. I don't want you to forget me and I certainly will never forget you, but I don't want you to be single your whole life, just because of me._

_And I already have one person in mind who would be good for you. I may have not admitted it during my time with you, but now that I am gone, I see it clearly. Give him a chance, he does care for you._

_Love Always,_

_Jesse_

I stared down at the paper for a few minutes, not willing myself to look at CeeCee. Had she read this?

"Suze," CeeCee said, startling me out of my reverie. "You finished?"

I had to look at her now. I should have, but I didn't. I just nodded my head and let the tears that had welled up in my eyes fall freely onto my lap and the paper.

No, I want to preserve the paper.

I folded the paper up. I got up and crossed the room, opened up my drawer in my bedside table and stuck it in the little folder that was in my diary along with the old, cracked portrait of Jesse. No one would dare touch my diary. They knew that if they did, they'd be pretty dead by now.

"Suze," CeeCee said again. "Was that . . . ? That was who you were talking about, isn't it?"

I turned towards her angrily. "You read that? You read what he wrote? How dare you!"

She was so shocked that her eyes grew wide and she started to cry.

Fuck. Why can't I ever do anything right?

I softened up immediately and went over to her. "Cee, I'm so sorry. I don't know what came over me . . ."

She looked at me strangely. "You've n-never blown up at m-me like that b-before."

I shook my head. "I know and I'm so sorry. I just . . . that was private. Nobody but me was meant to see that."

"I'm sorry, Suze. I just found that and you seemed like you didn't care about it last night. So I read it. I'm so sorry, Suze . . ." She leaned over and hugged me. And soon enough, I was sobbing again. "Man, I thought I had it bad . . . ?" she chuckled to herself, although it really wasn't funny.

I let loose a soft chuckle.

She turned kind of serious then. "That other part about how you . . . spent a night together . . ."

I knew what she was getting at. Was I not a virgin anymore? "Yes, that is true. Cee, I loved the guy and I was pretty damn sure that he loved me. And we . . . you know. But it's not like anything happened to me, since he was kind of . . . a ghost. It just sort of happened, you know?"

She smiled at me. "So, Miss Suzie isn't a virgin anymore?" she teased.

"Cee," I warned.

"Sorry," she said, "it's just not everyday that you find out your best friend isn't as pure as the driven snow."

I rolled my eyes.

I was kind of content now. Like Jesse had written. I feel so much better now. It was sort of like another chapter of my life had ended and I was to begin a new one.

The one thing I didn't get about his letter, though, was who this other person was. Who was this person he thought cared a lot for me?

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**Review, please. It will make me feel very happy.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Once again, I am REEEEALLY sorry this took so long. I will TRY and update sooner next time. I really will. But I can't promise anything. :D**

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**Disclaimer:** I don't own any of the Mediator characters, though I wish I did, since then I'd be really rich.

**Summary** _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have even _dreamed_ of.

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**_Inferiority_ **

Chapter 7

School on Monday was not all that pleasant. I mean, school in general was fine, but when it was time for lunch, all hell broke loose. It really did.

I walked onto the courtyard and sat at our normal table. I really wasn't expecting anything huge to happen. I figured CeeCee and Adam would ignore the stuff that happened over the weekend and get on with their lives.

But they didn't.

CeeCee came and sat next to me a few moments after I took my lunch out. Then I saw Adam walk through the door. CeeCee did too and she visibly stiffened.

Adam took one look at us and shook his head. He then went over to another table to sit and eat lunch.

I looked at CeeCee to see what her reaction was. Not what I had hoped it was either.

She turned her head to me and I could tell there was tears welling up in her eyes. She was going to cry.

I looked over at Adam again and he was talking to a few people. Friends, I guess. It's funny, I never imagined him ever having other friends, since he's always hanging with us. I have to give him some dignity though, I guess.

"Cee." I tapped her shoulder.

She jumped. "Oh," she said, startled. "Oh, God, I'm sorry, Suze. I just . . . I don't know." She sighed heavily and buried her face in her hands.

You know, I thought I knocked some sense into Adam at the party. I thought he understood what I was talking about, that CeeCee really _did_ like him.

Guess not. Men.

"I understand," I said reassuringly. I put my hand on her shoulder, so she'd know that I was there for her. Always.

She sniffled. "I'm pathetic."

"No, you're not."

She laughed. "Yeah, I am, Suze. I see you and you have gone through way worse than I have and here I am crying because the guy that I'm obsessed with seems to hate me."

"Cee, he doesn't hate you," I said. "He just . . . needs a little time is all."

She nodded her head. Then she grabbed her bag and stood up. "I'm going to go to the bathroom."

I smiled. "Yeah, that might be a good idea."

She smiled back and walked back through the breezeway.

I looked back at Adam and he was watching her walk off. _So he does care_, I thought.

Well, of course he cares. He told me he loved her.

Okay, he didn't exactly come out and say it, but he didn't deny it either. Just bare with me here.

Adam caught my gaze and looked away. He went back to talking to his 'friends'.

That's it, I've had enough.

I stood up and walked over to the table he was sitting at. "What is wrong with you?" I demanded.

He looked surprised to say the least. "What are you talking about, Suze?"

I grabbed his arm and dragged him over to a secluded area on the courtyard.

"Why are you doing this, Adam?" I said angrily, tapping my foot impatiently.

"What are you talking about?" he repeated.

I sneered. "You know what I'm talking about." When he just looked at me blankly, I said. "CeeCee! That's what I'm talking about!"

His eyes darkened. "What about her?"

I groaned. "Oh, come on, Adam. Don't give me this shit right now." I counted to ten and took a deep breath. I tried again. "Look, she— "

"Loves me," he finished sardonically. "Yeah, you told me that all ready. The thing is, I'm having a hard time believing that."

"Why?"

He laughed with no humor. "Don't tell me that kissing another guy is a sign of love toward me."

"Oh, and having a petty little blond chick hanging off your arm is any different?" I accused.

He narrowed his eyes at me. "That's different and you know it."

I quirked my eyebrows and prodded. "Oh, really?"

"Yes, it is. I mean, I finally got a hot girl to like me for me and she expects me to wait for her like that—"

I laughed. If you think about it, it was rather funny. I mean, they're situation was practically the same. Adam finally got a girl to like him for him and Cee finally got a guy to like her for her.

Okay, I'm not so sure how true that statement is, but its good enough.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked angrily.

"The fact that you two are so hopelessly in love."

"And how are you one to determine that, huh? I'm sure you've never been in love before, Suze. Except, well, lusting after Paul Slater, but—"

I pushed him against the wall. "Don't you dare say anything about that," I hissed. "And don't _ever_ accuse me of never loving anyone. I _have_ been in love, but it didn't work out—"

I stopped abruptly and let him go. What the hell was I doing? I wasn't supposed to just blurt things like that out.

He looked at me in shock. "Wow, sorry, Suze. I - I'm really sorry."

I looked at him in apology. "No, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me." I looked back at my table and saw CeeCee sitting there all alone.

No, she wasn't alone. Tom was there with her. Tom was talking to her, rubbing her back.

Okay, this is starting to get freaky.

"Look," I said, bringing my attention back to Adam. "I'll talk to you after school or something. Maybe we could go to the beach or something and talk about this."

He looked at CeeCee and gritted his teeth. "Yeah. F-fine."

I went back to my table and sat back down. CeeCee looked at me in surprise. I already knew what she'd want to know. Why was I talking to Adam?

Well, I'm pretty sure she knew why all ready anyway.

I said 'hi' to Tom and finished my lunch. I excused my self from the table and told CeeCee that I'd see her later.

It was cruel of me to leave her alone with Tom, but I had other business to attend to.

I walked by the jock table and tossed a note on the table.

- § -

The rest of the day was pretty boring. Aside from Chemistry when we got to set things on fire. Now _that_ I wouldn't mind doing everyday. It was fun. One of the flames actually turned green.

But I'm getting a little sidetracked here.

After school I waited in the library, where not many of the kids from my school go, expect for Doc and his little geeky friends, but that's beside the point.

I waited ten minutes and he didn't come. What the hell was he doing? Did he get the note I threw right in front of him?

I seriously hope it was him and not, say, Dopey. That would be embarrassing.

I was walking up and down the aisles, pretending to be interested in some books that I pulled off the shelf - just so the librarian wouldn't get suspicious and kick me out - when I heard someone chuckle behind me.

"_The Pros and Cons of Being Gay_?" the voice asked humorously.

I turned around and glared at the person, but when it turned out to be the person that I was waiting for, I lightened up.

"I didn't know you were interested in that sort of topic, Suze," he drawled.

I looked down at the book in question and blushed. What _had_ I been thinking when I picked this up?

Oh, that's right. I _wasn't_ thinking.

"Shut up, Paul," I retorted. Not much of a good comeback, but hey, its all I had.

He smirked. "So . . . why am I here again?"

I blushed again, for reasons beyond me. "I actually just picked here for a meeting place."

His smirk turned wry. "So we can talk about the pros and cons of being gay?"

I narrowed my eyes at him and glared again. "You know what? Fine. I'm leaving." I dumped the books on a random shelf and turned to leave. Only, I didn't get that far.

Paul grabbed my elbow and pulled me back. "Look, I'm sorry. That was uncalled for—"

"Damn right it was," I muttered.

He rolled his eyes. "What did you want me here for?"

"Um . . . actually, I needed to talk to you," I said, suddenly nervous.

He knitted his brows. "What about?"

I looked down at me feet for a moment, thinking about how to respond to that. "About . . ." Okay, how was I going to say this? I mean, first of all, it's really embarrassing for me to be doing this and second, yeah, I didn't want people eavesdropping on our conversation. "Look, can we just go somewhere else to talk? I really don't feel like talking about this in the library. Plus, I think that librarian is about to kick us out."

He looked at me, scrutinizing me for a moment. Then he nodded. "Yeah, all right. My house?"

I shuddered. I didn't really think that I'd be comfortable at his house, considering what happened the last time I was there. "No," I said, "my house."

He looked at me for a minute, questioningly. Then he shrugged. "Whatever."

- § -

Paul parked his car on the opposite side of the street. He put the car in park and turned off the ignition and unbuckled his seat belt.

I undid mine and opened the passenger door. I got out, looked both ways and crossed the street to my house. Paul did the same and came up next to me.

I opened the door and let us both in. We walked past the kitchen and there was Brad, eating a piece of cake and watching some stupid soap opera.

He looked at me when I walked past, then he looked at Paul. "What the hell?" he wanted to know. "Slater, what the hell are you doing in my house?"

Paul was about to reply, when I cut him off and said, "Brad, just shut up. Paul's here to help me with a school project."

Brad narrowed his eyes and said, "We don't have any projects."

"No. _You_ don't have any projects. As for us smart people . . . well, we'd like to get some work done."

He glared at me. "Whatever. If I hear anything from your room, though, I'm coming in there."

"If you want to live, you won't," I warned. Then I waved my hand to signal the end of the conversation. He turned back to his soap opera. Paul and I ascended the stairs.

Paul looked around my room. "It's a little different then when I was here last," he commented.

I laughed. "That's because when you were here last, many things were broken, which had to be replaced."

He rolled his eyes at me and went and sat on the window seat.

My heart skipped a beat. For a fleeting second I was reminded of Jesse. Jesse always sat on there and looked out the window or read one of his boring books . . .

I shook my head and blinked.

That was weird.

I went over to my bed and dumped all of my homework from my backpack on it. Then I went back over to my bedroom door and shut it. I would have locked it, but seeing as a) it would be a little suspicious if I had Paul Slater in my room with me with my door locked and b) I didn't have a lock on my door.

Now I was kind of uncomfortable being alone with Paul. Well, I did have Spike, who had just come in through my window. He went up to Paul and started to purr.

Why is it that that cat likes everyone but me?

Paul started to pet it and it climbed onto his lap and started to purr louder.

But anyway, I was getting more nervous by the second and soon I wouldn't want to talk at all. I knew myself like that.

I cleared my throat. "Paul."

He looked at me and quirked an eyebrow. "Hmm?"

"I . . . I think we need to talk now."

He nodded and removed the cat from his lap. I went over and sat next to him on the window seat. Not too close, but not too far away.

"Listen, I just . . . it kills me to admit this, but you were right."

His eyebrows went up. "About . . . ?"

I didn't answer his question. I just kept going. "Even though Jesse is gone, he's still teaching me things. Among the things I've learned is to live each day as if it were your last."

He gave me a quizzical look. Like he couldn't understand what I was getting at.

I continued. "You were right," I repeated. "I did feel something that night at the deli, but I was too scared to admit it to myself. And that night at the party, I felt something there, but again, I was too scared to admit it to myself." I took a deep breath. "I know that you think I hate you, but I don't think I do. To tell you the truth, I only just figured that out recently." Then I suppressed a chuckle. "After all, there's a fine line between hate and love."

Then I realized what I said. I just told Paul that I loved him. I really did. See, I was sure that I didn't hate him anymore, but I'm not sure if I _loved_ him.

He just looked at me. "You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that," he said. "Well, more or less."

I smiled. Maybe . . . maybe everything will turn out okay.

"Suze, I . . . for once in my life, I'm speechless. Seriously." Then he noticed the look of apprehension on my face. "No. No, I don't mean it like that. I just . . . I don't know what to say, to show that I _do_ care."

I smiled again. "You don't have to say anything."

He got my meaning and grinned. He moved closer to me. Then his lips crashed on top of mine in a mind-whirling kiss. And I was right, he didn't have to say anything. All of it was in that kiss. All of the unspoken emotions were in it.

Instinctively, my arms came around his neck. He wrapped his arms around my waist. He pressed his tongue to my lips and I opened mine, letting his tongue enter. He moved it around, intertwining it with mine.

But it all ended too soon.

Brad barged in.

"Slater, get the fuck away from my sister!"

**(A/N: Okay, I think that is close or exactly the same line in Flashlight. Well, I can't think of another thing that Brad would say in that situation. But anyway, credit goes to Lolly and Hayley, the lovely creators of FLASH. Hope you two don't mind, if you see this, that is.)**

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Okay, this isn't the end for those who think it is. I have a twist up my sleave. -cackles maniacly-

Review?

-Nicole


	8. Chapter 8

**Wow, I didn't really take that long to update this, did I? I'm proud of myself. :D**

**But I really am sad that I didn't get all that many reviews for the last chapter. 8 reviews isn't bad, I was just hoping for more, you know? So can you make that happen for this chapter? Please?

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Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Mediator characters, though I wish I did, since then I'd be really rich.

**Summary:** _Its one thing to have loved and lost, but its another to have your heart completely broken._ Suze has to deal with the knowledge that her beloved is gone. But even more than that? She thinks she's falling for someone else. Someone she never would have even _dreamed_ of.

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**_Inferiority_ **

Chapter 8

We decided not to start dating - well, _visibly_ dating. We both knew that there would be some questions from people we didn't exactly like and that would just create stress. So we didn't really let anyone know. I didn't even tell my best friends - who were still not speaking to each other by the way.

As I was saying, we really didn't want people to know we were . . . together yet, if that's what you would call it.

It's not like I _didn't_ want to be together with him. It's just . . . I didn't fully trust him yet. Sure, I _wanted_ it to be real, but I wasn't really sure of it yet - sure if it was just a joke, sure that he actually cared for me.

Apparently I wasn't sure of anything anymore.

I wanted this to be my little happily-ever-after, after my whole life of hardships, but deep down I didn't know if that was actually possible for lil' ol' me.

Well, anyway, about a week after the scene in my bedroom, Paul and I were at the beach. It was a little secluded area that hardly anyone goes to. I saw one old man here a few days ago, but he was just trying to do the same thing I was: be alone.

Paul and I were pretty far into our make-out session for the day, when I heard the rustle of a bush and then someone sniggering.

I immediately pushed Paul off of me and looked around.

My eyes landed on some people I really didn't want to see at the moment - actually, to be correct, I never wanted to see them.

They got one look at my expression and clammed up. They tried to run away, but something stopped them - some_one_ to be more precise.

"What the _fuck_ do you guys think you're doing?" came Paul's voice. He was furious.

"N-nothing," John, one of the jock guys, stammered out. Wow, they really were afraid of Paul that much? Huh.

I smirked. "Oh, yeah, hiding in a bush and spying on people is nothing," I commented.

The kid glared at me.

That was when Miss Kelly herself piped up. "So, this is who you broke up with me for, Paul? You dumped me so you could go out with a freak? What is wrong with you?"

It was weird seeing a prissy girl like her hiding in a bush with a guy. I mean, in the situation at hand. It wouldn't be all that awkward to see her making out with a guy in a bush, but that's besides the point.

I rolled my eyes. I was about to go and insult her, but I really didn't have to. Paul did enough by himself.

"Kelly, the only reason I went out with you in the first place was because you wouldn't leave me alone. If anything, it was out of pity. Where'd you think it would go anyway? Did you think we'd get married or something?" He laughed bitterly and mockingly. "Right. Well, if you guys don't mind, we'd like to be alone."

Kelly was close to tears, but she wasn't done yet. "What does she have that I don't? I'm prettier than her, I'm taller than her, I'm richer than her. Not to mention, my hair is straighter and shinier than hers. What is it that I'm missing?"

Paul smirked. "A brain," he said. Then he put his arm around my shoulders and pulled me away with him down the beach.

"That was weird," I commented.

He chuckled. "Yeah, I guess it was."

"I didn't know she was that . . . into you." I laughed. "I mean, 'my hair is shinier and straighter than hers'? Could she get any more thick?"

He chuckled again. "I know. I really just think she should go off and marry a movie stair. Maybe then she'd be happy and leave me alone."

- § -

"You and Slater are going out?" was the first thing I heard when I came home that afternoon.

I gave Dopey an ignorant look and replied, "What? Where'd you hear that from?"

He nodded toward the phone. "Debbie called me and said that Kelly called her and told her that she saw you and Paul sucking face at the beach earlier."

I rolled my eyes. "And you're going to believe you're little whore over your step-sister?"

"Yes, I am," he said. I found it funny, since he didn't even defend her and deny that she was a whore, even though I all ready knew she was.

"Well, she's wrong," I said and ran up the stairs to the safety of my room.

I did my homework for an hour, then decided to call CeeCee and see what was up with her. She was getting really depressed lately. Her and Adam both.

"Hello?"

"Mrs. Webb? Hi, this is Suze. Can I speak with CeeCee please?" I asked politely.

"Sure, Suze. One moment." Then I heard her call for CeeCee.

A few seconds went by, then she picked up. I heard the click signaling that her mom had hung up. "Suze?"

I smiled, even if she couldn't see it. "Yeah, it's me. Listen, Cee, I think we need to talk about . . . things. Meet me at the Clutch in a bit?"

"If this is about Adam—"

"Well, some of it is, but there's also something I need to tell you."

She hesitated. "All right. I'll meet you there in a bit."

I smiled again. "Great! See ya then."

"Yeah, okay," she said and hung up. I hung up as well.

I felt really horrible. I mean, I always thought her and Adam would get together right away and nothing bad would happen. It was weird having me happy and her, well . . . not.

It just made me feel really bad. I had to do something about it, even if it was the last thing I did.

- § -

When CeeCee walked through the door, I could all ready tell that she hadn't had a good day. It killed me to see her like this. She was generally a happy person, but anyone who didn't know her would generalize and say she was a depressed, miserable person.

"Hi," she said, forcing a smile, as she come up to the table I chose. She sat down and looked blankly at the menu.

"Cee, you have got to stop letting this get to you, okay?"

She looked up from the menu. "What are you talking about?"

I rolled my eyes. "Look at yourself, Cee. You look depressed, miserable, and possibly anorexic. You have to confront him. It's the only way to make things better between the two of you."

She looked down at the table. "I can't," she mumbled.

I closed my eyes for a moment. I was definitely losing my patience. She was my best friend and all, but there's really so much I can take.

Wait.

Was this the way I was when Jesse left?

No, he didn't leave me. Not willingly at least. He just wasn't there anymore.

But was I really this way after he wasn't here anymore? Did I just not want to cooperate with anyone? Was I just . . . miserable?

I guess that would be a yes.

Just be supportive, Suze. She'll thank you for this later.

So I was supportive. I helped her in her time of need, just like she did with me.

"Yes, you can, CeeCee." I looked at her, willing her to do what was right. But I didn't have that power, unfortunately.

She looked up from the table and at me with sad eyes. Her usual fluorescent violet eyes were now a dull gray-ish color that looked like they held no life whatsoever. "You - you don't understand, Suze. You have no idea how hard this is for me . . ."

See, if I hadn't been understanding then, I probably would have lashed out at her and told her that _she_ was the one that didn't understand. But I didn't. I understood, I knew that much, but I knew that it would just make her feel worse, and I definitely was not aiming for that.

"Cee, that's where you're wrong. I _do_ understand. I've been through something . . . similar before, as you may know. I've had my heart broken before. I _know_ what it feels like." I took a deep breath. I was thinking about him.

Be strong, Suze. There's no need to cry. He wouldn't want you to do this every time you thought of him, I thought.

I took her hand in mine. "CeeCee, the only way to make this better is to confront him. I _know_ he has feelings for you too. He's just really upset right now too, okay? You have to realize that Adam's not the brightest crayon in the box. He wouldn't know love if it was staring him right in the face."

She laughed through the tears that were brimming her eyes.

Well, that's a good sign. She's laughing.

Then she nodded. "Okay. I'll - I'll do it."

I grinned. "Awesome. You have to realize, though, that it might take a bit to convince him. He's pretty thick sometimes."

"Simon," she said, "I've known him way longer than you have. I should know how thick he is."

I laughed. "Yeah, you would." It wasn't accusatory, but it was a little . . . dirty.

She got my meaning too and narrowed her eyes. "I didn't mean it that way." Then she smiled smugly. "But hopefully after all this is over, I _will_ know."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oooh, someone's horny."

She laughed again and her smile grew wider. "So, what else did you call me here for?"

I smiled. "Well, I think you should be the first person to know, even though some other people know and have been _spying_ on us. But anyway, um—" I looked around the Clutch to see if there was anybody listening in. All was clear, but just to be safe, I leaned in and whispered, "Paul and I are going out."

Her eyes grew wide and she drew in a huge breath. "What?"

I shrugged. "It was kind of just on a whim," I admitted, because it really was.

"Oh, my God, Suze! How did - when did - Suze, details!" she squealed.

Well, at least she's happy, I thought.

"Cee, keep it down. I don't really want people to know. I mean, God, Kelly and John all ready saw us. Albeit, they were spying on us, but still. I just don't want it spread around the whole school. I'm still trying to work things out myself."

She looked confused though. "I thought you hated him." Her tone was flat, but I could tell she was at least a little delighted.

I hesitated. "Turns out there _is_ a fine line between love and hate."

"So you _love_ him?"

I looked down at the table. "I'm just taking things step by step. I really . . . I don't know yet. I just want to make sure he's really serious first. I want to make sure he wants me for _me_ and not just for my body, you know?"

"This sounds like a soap opera," she commented.

"You're not helping!"

She looked over toward the sales counter. "Maybe we should actually buy something."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. Go get me a cappuccino," I said and handed her a five.

I sighed and dropped my head to the table. Then I heard someone drop into the seat next to me. CeeCee couldn't have been back all ready; that line was huge.

I lifted my head up and was really shocked to see Mr. Slater himself.

"Paul? What the hell are you doing here?"

He chuckled. "I was actually going to call you and tell you to meet me here, but since you're all ready here . . ." He leaned over and kissed me. I gladly welcomed it.

"No, seriously," I said after I pulled away, "what are you doing here?"

"You never give up, do you?"

I smiled. "You should know that by now."

I was staring into those icy blue eyes that used to chill me to the bone. But now . . . now they made me feel warm and secure . . . and not to mention, all fuzzy inside.

Paul was staring right back into mine, studying them, trying to find something. What he was trying to find, I do not know. But whatever it was, it was short-lived, since CeeCee came back right then.

"I though you didn't want people to know?" she said accusingly.

Oh, right.

"Uh," I said. I looked at Paul and he just shrugged. "We don't, but . . . I was just glad to see him."

She smiled. But I could tell she was jealous. Usually it was the other way around; I was jealous of her and Adam, what _they_ had. But now I had something she wanted desperately: a significant other. Well, okay, I don't know if Paul was significant yet, but I hope so.

"Whatever," she said. She went to another table and grabbed a chair, pulling it up to ours. "Thanks for taking my seat, by the way, Slater."

He smiled. "Anytime."

Well, at least he was being nice. That's a good thing. Not that I thought he'd be mean or anything. He was normally rude to the preps, not the designated 'freaks', since he was kind of one too, I guess.

"So, mind telling me how this came to be?" she asked, gesturing to the both of us.

I looked at Paul. I honestly didn't really know. I mean, it was that time in my room, but it was also a bunch of other events that led up to that too. "I don't know. It kind of just . . . happened."

She rolled her eyes. "Great explanation, Simon."

"Thanks," I said, even though I knew it was sarcasm. You couldn't miss it in her tone.

Paul's watch beeped. He looked down at it and swore. He looked at me and said, "Suze, I have to go. But . . . I really need to talk to you about something. Call me later?"

I nodded. "Okay," I croaked.

He smiled and gave me a little kiss. "I'll see you later," he said and went out the door.

I stared after him in confusion.

He needed to talk to me? Was it - ? No he wouldn't do that. He wouldn't just kiss me if he was planning on breaking up with me. Would he?

He seemed pretty happy to see me a little while ago, if him shoving his tongue in my mouth was any indication.

But still, I was very nervous about seeing him next.

What could it be that he had to talk to me about? And by the way he said it, it didn't really seem like he was taking me to Hawaii or something (now _that_ I wouldn't mind terribly).

"Suze?"

I blinked, snapping out of my reverie. "Huh?"

"You wanna head back?"

I nodded, still a little dazed. "Yeah, sure." I grabbed my purse and got up. CeeCee and I walked out the door and into my car. Then I drove her home and went home myself.

By then I was _really_ wondering what he needed to talk to me about.

So I called him.

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**PLEASE review, people. I would really appreciate it!**

**-Nicole**


	9. Chapter 9

Wow. Its been a while since I've updated this. Sorry, guys.

But anyway, here's the next chapter.

Disclaimer: Meg Cabot owns the Mediator characters, not me. So give her praise, not me.

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**_Inferiority_**

**Chapter 9**

"Suze? God, I said call me _later_," Paul said right when he picked up the phone. I guess he had caller ID. I doubt he thought one of my step-brothers would be calling him or anything.

"Paul, I know. I just want to know what you needed to talk to me about." I was still really nervous about what it was. I didn't want my heart broken - again. I mean, I _really_ liked Paul. More than I ever thought I would, actually.

These things just _happen_. I didn't expect to fall in love with a _ghost_ of all people. And then to start dating Paul Slater? A year ago, if you said that, I'd probably call you crazy and tell you to get the fuck away from me. But now?

Well, everything has changed. Drastically.

"Oh, right," he said. "I guess the way I said it would make you wonder . . ." he trailed off. "Well, I'll come and pick you up, then we can talk at my place. And it's not what your thinking, Suze. I would never do that. Well, to you at least."

I smiled. Maybe there was a light at the end of the tunnel.

"Okay. I'll see you then."

"Bye, Suze." Then he hung up.

Less than five minutes later I heard a honk outside the house. I flew down the stairs, grabbing my bag on the way. I quickly told my mom that I was going out with a friend and that I would be back later. As long as she didn't find out that it was a boy, then I be fine . . .

"A friend?" Brad snorted. "Right. I hardly think Paul Slater just wants to be 'friends'."

I jabbed him in the side with my elbow, so my mom couldn't see.

"Susie? Is this true?"

"Mom, he's just being an ass. Paul's a nice guy. And we _are_ just friends."

Brad guffawed. "Oh, really? Is that why I saw him sticking his tongue down your throat at the Clutch earlier?"

"Brad, shut up," I growled.

"Oh, so you can't deny that," he said. "You two _are_ going out, aren't you?"

I sighed. I really couldn't take this right now.

My mom was looking from me to Brad and vice versa. She gave me a questioning look.

"Yes, okay, we are going out. We just . . .don't want many people to know." Then I turned to Brad. "Brad, I _swear_ if you tell anyone at school, I'll make sure you won't be able to tell anyone else."

He knew I meant it. I was way pissed at him. I mean, he's actually been cool lately, but now that just pissed me off.

I heard Paul honk again outside. "Look, Mom, I gotta go. I'll see you later, okay?"

She sighed. "Fine, Suze. Just be careful, okay?"

As I was walking out the door, I turned around and said, "Aren't I always?"

I ran outside to Paul's car and quickly got in.

"Jeez, Simon," he said when I first got in, "what the hell took you so long?"

I rolled my eyes. "My idiotic step-brother." Obviously there wasn't much more to say. Paul knew how Brad was.

- § -

"Alright, Paul, what do you need to tell me?" I asked for, like, the fifth time.

He was really avoiding the subject. All he was doing was kissing me — not that it was _bad_ or anything. I mean, I knew the guy was horny, but come _on_.

It came to the point where I had to actually push him off of me. He came to his senses then. "Oh," he said. "Right. Sorry, I got a little carried away."

"Just a little," I said.

He sat up on his bed like I was and took my hand in his. It was actually kind of surprising, since I couldn't imagine him doing that to any other girl.

"Suze, in a week I'm going to be going away."

"What, like a vacation?" I asked dumbly.

"No," he said, "not like a vacation." He sighed. "You noticed my grandfather wasn't here, right?"

I nodded.

"Well, he - he went into a coma the other day and they had to haul him off to the hospital. My parents . . . well, they want to transfer him to a hospital in Seattle. And since there will be no 'guardian' here, they want me to come back to Seattle."

"What?" I was beyond shocked. I . . . no, he couldn't leave. Not when we were just getting things right. Not now.

"I have to go back to Seattle, Suze." His normally bright blue eyes held no life whatsoever, just like CeeCee's had only mere hours ago.

Why can't I just have my joy for a while?

Everything has to go wrong just when things start to go right. Why is this happening?

I looked back at Paul. Tears were pricking the back of my eyes. "So that's why you were kissing me like that."

He smiled a little. "Yeah," he said. "Although, you know I'd love to do that every time I see you, plus more."

I punched him in the arm, despite my unhappy mood. The tears were brimming my eyes now. I bit my lip. "When are you going to come back?" I asked hopefully.

He ran his left hand down his face and stopped at his mouth. Then he took it away and set it on my shoulder. "Suze, honestly, I have no clue. Soon, I hope."

That wasn't the answer I was looking for. Not at all. The tears spilled.

Paul saw them and pulled me close to him. He didn't say anything, just let me cry. It was what I needed, though, to let the tears spill, to get them out of my system.

"I hate them," he said angrily after I pulled away, wiping the remaining tears away. "I fucking hate them for doing this to me!"

A book that was on his desk went flying into the opposite wall. He was pissed off.

"Who?" I asked, surprised at his sudden anger.

He looked at me and shook his head. "My parents! They had to just fucking do this to me, didn't they!" The bookshelf started the shake.

I looked at it, then looked back at Paul warningly. "Paul, calm down!"

He immediately softened by just looking at me. "Sorry," he said, looking away. That was when I realized he had tears in his eyes.

Paul Slater was crying. Shock of the century.

"P-Paul?" I asked, my voice full of uncertainty. "Paul, what's wr - are you okay?"

He looked at me. He didn't have any tears in his eyes anymore. "Nothing, Suze. I just . . . I have family issues."

"No kidding," I mumbled.

"My parents," he continued, "don't know me or my brother. They think they can do whatever the hell they want because they have money. They think they can ruin my life like this."

Up until recently, that was exactly the same thing I thought about Paul. That's kind of creepy actually.

I moved that little bit closer to him on the bed. I lifted my hand to his face and caressed his cheek. "Paul, it doesn't matter right now. I'll always be here for when you get back."

He looked down. "That's the thing, Suze. I don't know _when_ I'm coming back."

"Why can't you just move out or something?" I suggested.

"I told my parents that I'd do that if they wouldn't stop being ridiculous, but they just said they'd cut me off. Meaning, I would have no money at all."

"I know what that means, Paul," I said bitterly. It wasn't toward him. I was just really mad that this was happening. Like I could never have any happiness. I knew he would come back eventually, but I wanted him here, now. And things just could not be that way, apparently.

We were both silent for a while. There was not really much more to say. I mean, I could have said something like 'I'll miss you' but that sounded too corny.

He laid back on the bed and I crawled up next to him and laid my head on his chest. The beat of his heart and the rhythm of his breathing were hypnotizing. I just could not get enough of it.

I would say it was like when I was with Jesse, but he did not have a heartbeat nor did he breathe. It was nice to actually be able to listen to somebody breathe, hear their heart beat. Its things like those that people take for granted in life.

"Paul," I said, breaking the comfortable silence we had. I craned my neck to look at him.

He looked down at me and mumbled, "hmm?"

"Why can't anything go right?" I said. It was sort of a whine, I admit, but can you blame me? I mean, something finally goes right in my life and then its being taken away.

He just looked in my eyes and blinked. "I don't know, Suze. I just don't know."

We stayed like that for I don't know how long. But it was comfortable and I felt safe. Occasionally, my thoughts would stray to Jesse, thinking that this could have been us.

But that's all in the past. I am with Paul now, not Jesse. Somehow, I have to keep reminding myself of that.

I know it sounds as if I'm taking advantage of Paul. Making him out to be a substitute. And, I guess, that's what I was doing then. I mean, I cared about Paul, I really did. But I was still in shock about what happened with Jesse. I was still wishing that I was with him.

But I can't be. Not anymore. Its in the past.

That was when I sat up. Paul looked at me quizzically. "What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. Just . . . I think I should be getting home now." That was the least of my worries, then. Getting home on time, I mean.

I just needed to get away from him for a while. The revelation of knowing that I was using him was . . . horrible, to say the least. I felt like scum.

And the worst part? I didn't even know I was doing it up until now.

I could tell by his expression that he did not quite believe me. But he didn't say anything about it. "All right. I'll drive you home."

And he stayed true to his word.

When I got home, I slunk out of Paul's car, with a kiss to his cheek (which he was very disappointed by, I could tell). "I'll pick you up tomorrow morning for school," he said. I nodded and then walked up the path to my house.

I walked inside and noticed that everyone was still up. They were watching a movie in the living room. I walked in and let my mom and Andy know I was there and then walked back up to my room.

I dropped my purse on my desk and flopped down on my bed. A few minutes later, I heard someone knock on my bedroom door. "Come in," I said.

To my surprise, Brad walked in.

I really didn't feel like talking to him right now. Knowing him, he'd make some snide comment about Paul and me.

But that's not what he did.

I looked at him quizzically and said, "What do you want?"

He looked down at my rug then back up at me. "Look, Suze, I'm sorry about what I said before about you and Paul. I just . . . he - I don't really trust him. I mean, you're my sister and all and—"

"Thanks for your concern, Brad. But, really, I'm fine." But, actually, I was far from that. Very far.

He looked at me in disbelief. "He didn't dump you or anything, did he? Because I _swear_ I'll go and beat his ass for y—"

Okay, I could see where this is going. But, all in all, it was kind of sweet. That he was actually showing signs of caring for me. If I wasn't so miserable then, I would have been a little more appreciative.

"Brad, he didn't dump me. I'm just not feeling well right now." I thought he would take that as a hint to go, but he didn't.

"Is he hitting you?"

I turned my head sharply to face him. "What? No. No, of course not. God, Brad, I would have kicked his ass by now if he was hitting me."

He laughed. "I figured that, but . . ."

"Just get out. I'm not in the mood right now."

The previous hint of a smile that was on his face disappeared and was replaced with a look of defeat. He slunk out of my room and shut the door behind him.

And after he left, I felt really horrible. I felt like I was a really mean person. And I guess I was.

And honestly, I did NOT know how I was going to face Paul the next morning, after realizing what I had been doing.

I sighed. Nothing can just seem to go right, can it?

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**A/N: Well? What did you think? And before you say it was bad, I am SO sorry for the sad ending. Well, it was sad for me at least. So, update? Please?**


	10. Chapter 10

**_Inferiority_ **

Chapter 10

"Suze, what is with you?" Paul asked me as he was driving us to school the next morning.

I blinked and looked at him. "Nothing," I said and continued to stare out the window at nothing in particular.

"Suze," he said. I looked back it him. "There definitely is something wrong." He paused. "Look if this is about what I told you last night—"

I shook my head. "No," I said. "It's not that . . ."

"Then what is it? You can tell me, you know." He looked at me pleadingly. I thought about telling him, I really did. But if I told him then, we might have gotten into an accident.

I looked away. "Not while you're driving."

He sighed and looked back at the road. We had arrived at the Mission.

I got out and started walking ahead of him. He caught up with me and put his arm around my waist. That made me a little uncomfortable.

Not the him touching me thing. The fact that I was still feeling guilty about what I did.

Yes, _did_. I realized, as soon as I woke up this morning, that, yes, I _was_ using Paul, but now . . .

Now I wasn't. Now I really wanted to be with him. Mostly because he was going away soon and I really hadn't cherished the time I was with him. I took it for granted.

But I didn't have him move his arm. I wanted to show Kelly Prescott that Paul Slater was, in fact, mine and not hers.

We got a lot of looks as we walked in the school. And a couple looks of relief. Weird, but whatever.

And then I saw CeeCee and Adam by Adam's locker and breathed a huge sigh of relief. They were talking. CeeCee kept her promise, after all.

Since Paul and I were in the same home room, we went with each other to our lockers, meriting more second glances and weird looks. Then we went to home room together.

And let's just say, Brad didn't tell anyone. Because everyone in the classroom just looked at us with wide eyes, including the two who had spied on us. I guess they still could not believe it.

Kelly was the first to speak, but not the first to get over her shock. "P-Paul!" she stammered. "You really _are_ going out with her!" she shrieked.

I gave her a glare. "That's what it looks like." Then I muttered something not-so-nice under my breath, that, thankfully, she didn't hear. Paul did, though, and he grinned, trying to keep his laugh in.

Then we sat down. Since Mr. Walden honestly didn't care where we sat, Paul and I sat next to each other.

At lunch, Paul sat with CeeCee and I. I questioned CeeCee on why Adam was not with us and she said, and I quote, that he needed time to figure things out.

Well, at least he didn't, technically, reject her.

After lunch, I was called down to Father Dominic's office. Paul happened to be in my Calculus class, so when I was called down over the loudspeaker, he looked at me, kind of confused. I looked back at him and shook my head. Then I grabbed the pass from my teacher and went down to Father Dom's office.

The secretary smiled at me and said it was okay that I went in. I opened the office door and took a seat quietly. Father Dom was speaking with someone on the phone.

He said his goodbyes and put the phone back on the receiver. "Susannah," he said in his normal bright voice. "How are you today?"

I looked at him warily. "Uh, okay, I guess." That wasn't believable, even to my own ears.

Father Dom's smile slowly withered away. "Susannah, what is wrong? Has something happened?"

"Something bad you mean?" I asked.

He just nodded his head. "Has something happened between you and Paul?"

I looked up in surprise. "H-how did you know about that?" I stammered. It was impossible. How could he possibly know?

"Susannah, I've observed you too. It's clear that he cares for you and the fact that you...like him, is as plain as day."

I gaped at him. "Is it really?"

He nodded and let a smile creep onto his face. It soon faded away as the seriousness came back in his voice. "But what is wrong, my dear? What's happened?"

I looked down. Should I tell him? I knew I could confide in Father Dom. But something like what was going on...I didn't know.

But I didn't matter if I knew or not. I still did it.

"Father D, I...I think I've done something really horrible."

His baby blues were fixed on me. "Yes. And what would that be, child?"

I barely said it. But he still heard me. "I think I was using Paul."

I looked up at him to see his reaction. But it didn't seem to affect him. If anything, he looked a little...relieved.

"Susannah," he said calmly. "You just suffered something no one your age should go through. Or anyone, for that matter. You've lost a loved one. While it was not under...normal circumstances, it still took its toll on you. Believe me, I know what its like, dear."

I looked at him. Hearing that from someone else's point of view...it made it seem more...real, I guess. But I understood now. Understood that things like that happen and that I had to live my life.

I finally realized it. And it took Father Dom to explain it to me.

"But, Susannah," he continued. "That is no reason to think that you are...using the next person you are in a relationship with. Yes, you were lonely, but those are two entirely different things."

I looked down. He was wrong. He didn't understand.

He continued. "I can see where you are coming from, though, Susannah. But, believe me when I say this, you were and are not using Mr. Slater. No matter what you think. You needed consolation and he gave that to you. You needed a friend and he was there for you. But, most importantly, you needed someone to take your emotions, good and bad, out on. And, he was there for you."

I looked up at him. "But, Father D. I _was_ using him. It took me until yesterday to realize it, but I was!" I insisted.

He sighed. "Susannah, if it took you that long to realize it, then you weren't really using him at all. You would know. I know you would."

I was really confused now. Was I or was I not using him? Is what he was saying true? Was I just thinking that I was?

I decided to believe him, because he made a hell of a lot more sense than I did. And, plus, he's been through almost the same thing I have. Except, well, I don't aim to become a priest. Not by any means. The whole chastity thing does not work for me.

I was still a little iffy over the whole thing. But I knew Father Dom was right. I only thought I was using Paul because I still loved Jesse.

Is it possible to love two men at the same time?

I don't think I'll ever get an answer to that one.

"Okay, Father Dom. Thank you. Very much."

He nodded and folded his hands in front of himself on his desk. "Now, Susannah, I understand Paul is going to be...going away for a while."

I nodded and before I realized it, I was crying. Not sobbing, thank God, but I felt tears roll down my cheeks and I hiccuped.

Father Dominic looked at me in sympathy for a moment. Then he said, "Susannah, its okay to cry. I know that what you are going through right now must be pretty tough. But Paul will come back. He just has to deal with some family issues for the time being."

I looked up in shock. How had he known...?

He smiled warmly. "Susannah, Paul came to me last night after he took you home. He told me many things." He laughed. "I don't think that boy has been to a confession in a while."

I smiled, despite my sadness. I didn't say anything.

Father Dominic stood up and came over to me, setting his hand down on my shoulder. "You can go back to class, Susannah." Then, noticing my tear-stained face, he said, "And take as much time as you need to in the ladies' room."

I smiled at him and took the pass and hurried down the hall toward the bathroom. I quickly redid my make-up and made sure my eyes weren't puffy anymore, then went back to class.

The period was nearly over by the time I got back to class. I got the class work from the teacher, then went and sat in my seat.

Paul came over and sat next to me. Our Calculus teacher doesn't really care if we talk at the end of the period, so he didn't get yelled at.

He looked at me worriedly. "What was that all about?" he asked, concerned.

I hesitated. "I just had some...issues that I needed to discuss with Father Dom," I said.

I knew he wanted to press it, but he dropped it anyway. I was thankful for that. I honestly did not want to go into detail what had gone on in Father Dominic's office.

Soon enough, the period ended and everyone bolted out of the classroom and went to their lockers. School was out for the day. Finally.

Paul and I went to our lockers and got the books we needed out, then went to his car, where we would be going back to my house.

My mom has gotten used to the idea of me going out with Paul. So has Brad. But that is not to say that he _likes_ the idea of me going out with Paul. He'll just have to deal.

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**A/N: Well, that was chapter 10. It was a little on the short side, I know. I'm sorry. But could ya still review for me?**


	11. Chapter 11

**No, this is not another Author's Note. Its the real thing. So enjoy it. :D **

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_Inferiority_

Chapter 11

This was the last day that I could spend with Paul before he had to go back to Seattle. I was sad. Really, really sad.

But I was also kind of happy, because we got to spend, like, every waking moment together.

We went to the beach and hung out for a while, making out a little bit in the process.

Then we went back to his house and hung out even more. After that, we went to my house to eat dinner, since Andy decided to make a big fantastic meal for Paul going away. It was really good, but I didn't think Paul going away should be a big _celebration_ or anything.

But whatever. It wasn't something that I could help.

After dinner we went up to my room to be alone. We weren't doing _that_. But _that_ was actually what I was contemplating at the moment. You know, going back to his house and...doing it with him.

It was a weird feeling. God knows I had that feeling with Jesse too. I mean, yeah, both the guys I have been with are hot, so that's good. But the feelings I have for both are different.

Yes, I love both of them. But on entirely different levels.

Jesse...Jesse was my first love (even if I still love him to this day) and Paul...well, he's my second—and last—love, as demented as it sounds.

Yes...I do kinda wish that Jesse could have been alive. I think about that everyday; what it would be like if he were alive—what I would have done.

But he isn't and that's something that I can't change. This is something I do know: he'll always be with me; always be there to guide me when I need it, even at the hardest of times.

And Paul will also be by my side no matter what happens.

This was what I was thinking about as I was sitting on my bed with Paul. We were just sitting there in silence. It was an understood silence, a comfortable one. And it gave me time to think about what I really wanted to do.

Mainly, have sex with Paul.

I don't know what it was, really. I guess it was the fact that he was going away and I might not see him for a long time.

Or possibly the fact that he looked so unbelievably hot sitting there on my bed, his knee touching mine.

Or, you know, maybe a combination of those.

But I _really_ wanted to do that with him. I wanted to _show_ him how much I loved him.

And I hardly think Paul would be protesting, if you know what I mean.

"Suze."

I looked up at Paul. He was looking down at me with concern written all over his face. "Hmm?"

"Are you okay? Because...because if you're not, I'll stay. I'll do whatever I can to stay here with you." He seemed so sincere, so...loving. What did I do to deserve this?

I shook my head. "No, Paul," I said softly. "No, you have to go. I'll...I'll be fine. I will deal with it."

He was still looking at me with that same expression. "Suze..." He sighed heavily. "Look, I'll try and be as quick as I can. My parents...they're not exactly accommodating people. To them, their happiness comes first, not anyone else's, even if its their children."

I nodded, but didn't say anything. Anyway, it's not like I _could_ say anything. I mean, his parents? They don't give a shit about their kids. I know Paul has to do this, and I know its selfish of me wanting him to stay.

Paul leaned over and wrapped his arms around me. "I'll come back, Suze. I promise I'll come back."

I just leaned my head against his chest and listened to his heart beat. I don't know how long we stayed like that; him with his arms around me and me leaning against him. But all too soon I heard someone knocking on my bedroom door. Without me even saying anything they came in.

It was my mom. She looked at us sadly when she opened the door. "Oh, Suzie."

Paul had removed his arms from around me and I was now sitting up straight. I shook my head at my mom. "I'm fine, Mom. Can we just...be alone?"

She looked from me to Paul and then back to me. Then she nodded and said quietly, "Yes, if that's...what you want." And then she hurried out of my room, shutting the door behind her.

I sighed and leaned against Paul once more.

"Suze, you shouldn't do that."

I moved my head from his shoulder and looked at him. "What?"

"Don't push your mom away because I'm leaving. Okay? Its not healthy." He lifted his hand to my cheek and smiled a little.

"I'm not pushing her away, I just...I want some time alone with you before you leave. I want as much time as I can get."

He smiled a little more and leaned down and kissed me. Softly and sweetly.

Then he pulled away and said, "C'mon. Maybe your mom will let you go to my house for a bit. Its only eight and tomorrow's Saturday."

This was it. It was my time to decide.

I nodded. "Okay." _Hopefully_ my mom would let me go.

And she did, too.

Not more than ten minutes later I was in Paul's car with him, his hand on my knee as he drove down Scenic Drive. I saw the huge glass house that he lived in loom into view. Certainly a house I would miss being in, however freaky it may be.

The house was all dark when we got in. No one was there. No one at all.

It was kind of creepy, really. No one in that huge, glass house but me and Paul.

But those thoughts subsided when Paul grabbed my hand eagerly and began to drag me up the stairs.

And...okay. I panicked.

I mean, yeah, I have done it before. But...that doesn't mean I'm an expert or anything. Jesse was gentle. He hadn't done it before either.

But Paul...well, let's just say he's had his fair share of women in bed.

And I guess I just felt inferior. Like I didn't know what the hell I was doing, therefore I wasn't good enough.

Yeah, okay. Maybe it was a stupid thought. But seriously, what would you have done?

So I followed him up the stairs and into his bedroom. He shut the door and locked it, even though there was no one else in the house who would barge in on him, unlike in my house.

I sat down on his bed nervously and looked down at the floor. _What am I going to do? Or say?_

Paul smiled at me and came over, sitting down next to me on the bed. He put his arm around my shoulders, somehow turning me to face him. And then he kissed me.

Okay, so maybe that didn't come as that much of a surprise. I mean, I was expecting it. And believe me, it was a good kiss. A _very_ good kiss.

But it still served to increase my nerves.

Paul noticed that I wasn't as enthusiastic as he was about it. He pulled away and looked at me; searched my face for something. "What's wrong, Suze?"

I didn't say anything. I mean, how exactly do you tell your boyfriend that you feel inadequate about your sexual abilities? Especially if said boyfriend is Paul?

Exactly.

I hesitated before I finally said, "Nothing."

He scowled slightly. "You really expect me to believe that?"

"Yes," I said. "I do."

But it didn't look like he believed me. I can't really say I was surprised that he didn't, because I wasn't. Paul is like that. He _knows_ when I'm lying and when I'm not.

Although, I don't think its that hard to know when I'm lying. Between you and me, I'm a horrible liar.

Paul moved farther away from me and sat Indian-style on his bed. "Okay," he said finally. "What's going on?"

"What?" I said. "What are you talking about?"

"Suze," he said disbelievingly. "I'm going away tomorrow. I think I should know whatever is bothering you."

"Seriously, Paul, its nothing—"

"Oh," he said in comprehension. "I know what it is." He paused, then said, "Suze, if you're not ready, we don't have to..."

But I knew he wanted to. I mean, it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

"It's not that I'm not ready...its' just...I'm nervous."

Paul let out a laugh. I knew he didn't mean to, by the look on his face after it came out. "Suze Simon, nervous? Never thought I'd see the day." Then his face turned serious. "Suze...its usually scary the first time for the girl, but I promise I'll be gentle..."

This was the part where I had to tell him he isn't going to be my first.

"I'm not...a virgin."

The shock was clearly evident on his face. "You...you're not? But who—oh."

I bit my lip. Would this change anything between us? I mean, I know it shouldn't, because I am fully aware that Paul is not a virgin.

But...I couldn't help but feel it would.

"Paul...this doesn't change anything. We can still...you know."

He looked at me and half-smiled. "I know. But I wanted to be your first, as corny as it sounds."

I didn't say anything. I guess there wasn't really anything I could say.

So I did the only thing I could.

I closed the gap between us and kissed him.

And, well, this time neither of us stopped.


	12. Chapter 12

****

Inferiority

Chapter 12

Paul was actually planning on driving back to Seattle. And that's like, a 15 or so hour drive. Somehow, I convinced him to take a plane.

He's leaving his car at his grandfather's place, for when he comes back.

Who knows how long that will be.

I saw him off at the airport. My mom wanted to come with me, to keep me company. But...I refused. I needed to do this by myself. I didn't want anyone I knew to see me cry when he left.

I hugged Paul as hard as I could. I didn't want him to leave. Not now, not ever.

It was only when he said my name that I came to and pulled away from him. He laughed lightly and assured me he'd call me every chance he got.

And then he kissed me, really hard. It was filled with even more passion than the ones he gave me last night, if that was even possible.

When we pulled away for air, he said softly, "I love you, Suze. Don't ever forget that."

I smiled weakly and said, "How could I?" to which he just kissed me again.

Well, at least until a voice over the loudspeaker announced the boarding of his flight.

I hugged him again, and kissed him.

He pulled away sadly. "I'll be back. I swear I will."

"I know," I said, the tears now welling up in my eyes. "I know you will."

He gave me one last peck on the lips and walked away.

Out of my life.

- § -

But not completely.

He called me every night. Well, some nights he didn't call. He said that he had to go with his parents to some dinner things and by the time he got back it was too late to call. I told him that it was never too late to call. I would certainly be up.

And then he asked, "You've been sleeping, haven't you?"

Guiltily, I replied, "Um...yeah. Just not as much as I hoped."

He sighed heavily on the other end. "Look..." he said. "When I get a chance—when I am completely alone and I'm sure of it—I'll shift over there. I've never actually done it before—I mean, with this much of a distance between us—but once shouldn't hurt."

"Paul...no. I don't want you doing that, okay? Look, I'll try and get more sleep. Its just that whenever I'm about to sleep I start thinking and then I can't stop..."

"I know. It happens to me, too."

I sighed. "Have you got any idea when you're coming home, yet?"

Then he sighed. "No. When I asked my parents they just looked at me and didn't say anything."

"Oh."

"I know," he murmured. "But I'll think of something. I mean, as soon as Gramps gets out of this coma, he'll wanna go back to Carmel. He hates hospitals."

I suppressed a laugh. "That's something we have in common."

I could practically sense his smile over the phone, however small it must have been. "Look," he said and sighed. "I have to go. But I'll call you later. Or tomorrow morning."

"Alright."

He hesitated. "Right. Well, bye, then."

"Bye. And...I love you."

"I love you, too, Suze."

And that was the end of that conversation. But...well, at least he loves me. I mean, we both love each other, and that's what makes us strong. I can make it through this. I _know_ he will come back.

I sighed and leaned back in my bed. I was having a sudden feeling of deja-vu. This is the _exact_ same thing that happened with Jesse. We loved each other, then we made love, and then...he left.

And never came back.

I could feel the tears now dripping down my cheeks. I didn't want to think about it. But...I couldn't help it.

What if he didn't come back? What if he suddenly found another girl in Seattle and wanted nothing to do with me anymore? What if—

No. I'm NOT going to do this. Paul loves me. He said he did. He said he would come back no matter what. And...I believe him. I believe that he'll come back.

I think.

No. I DO.

Do I?

I mean, even if I don't believe him—which I'm not saying is the case here—that doesn't mean I don't trust him. So, I...trust that he'll come back.

Does that even make any sense?

Ugh. This really sucks.

I mean, what kind of girlfriend am I if I don't even believe the man I love? I have to! It's just...it should be an instinct.

But the fact is, its happened to me before, and I really wouldn't be surprised if it happened again.

Faith.

That's exactly what I need to have. I need to have faith in my boyfriend, in my life, my whole entire existence. Because that's what its all about, isn't it? Oh, God. I'm starting to sound like Father Dominic.

I need to really get over myself. Paul is coming back. He promised me. And, frankly, that's all I've got right now. A promise.

- § -

Wow. Two weeks until graduation. TWO WEEKS. In just two weeks, I will be a high school graduate. In two weeks I'll be out of this hell-hole (no offense to Father Dom or anything).

In two weeks I'm going to fly out and see Paul in Seattle.

Okay, it's a little spontaneous on my part. I mean, my mom knows and everything, but that's it. No one else knows, not even Paul.

I thought about telling Paul, but he would just keep saying how he could shift over here and see me. But I didn't want him doing that, no matter how many times he's done it before.

But yeah, two weeks until I can see him, hear him, _touch_ him...

Oh, God. I wanna go right now.

But I can't. Instead, I'm stuck here studying for finals, and doing all of the other end-of-the-year crap that we usually have to do.

This really sucks. I haven't seen Paul in a month now. I've talked to him practically every night, but its just not the same. I really, really miss him.

And...well, I'm kinda horny.

But we can just forget that little fact right there.

"Suze? Hey, Suze, come on."

I looked up in a daze. Who was talking to me?

Oh, it was just CeeCee. We were headed to the Clutch, since school had just let out for the day. It was just me and her, no Adam. They...well, they never really made up. CeeCee was now dating that Tom guy, who I wasn't really fond of. I knew she still wanted Adam, but it was too late now. I was just hoping that someday they'd realize that they had both been stupid and they would end up together. But now...well, that seemed a little far away.

But anyway, the Clutch was pretty full when we went in. It was almost the end of the year, so it was pretty understandable. But, it was very annoying, having to wait like that for a stupid cappuccino.

As we sat down at our table, I noticed CeeCee look at me with a nervous look on her face.

"What is it, Cee?" I asked patiently.

She looked down in her cappuccino. "I..." she trailed off. "I was just wondering...if you've talked to Adam lately." Then she looked up cautiously.

I stared at her. Then I shook my head. "I've tried, but he's been ignoring me too."

She nodded. "I...I made the biggest mistake of my life, Suze. I should have pushed him...or done _something_, you know? Now the guy I love hates me and I'm dating a guy who I don't even like anymore."

I looked at her sympathetically. "'If you love something let it go. If it was meant to be, it'll come back to you.'"

"Do you really believe that?" she asked. Well, more like whispered.

I shrugged. "Yeah, I guess. I mean, if Adam really does love you, he'll come back. I'm sure he just needs some time."

She nodded. "Maybe...but don't you think he's had enough time? Its been over two months, Suze, and he hasn't so much as looked at me."

As much as I wanted to be of some help to my best friend, I could not. "I...I don't know, Cee. But like I said, if you guys were meant to be, he'll come back to you eventually."

She nodded. "You think I should break up with Tom?"

"If you think that's a necessary step, then yes."

A little while later we ended up leaving. We decided to go to the beach and just hang out for a while before we had to go home. Its not like either of us would be doing anything anyway.

But just as we sat down in the sand, gazing out at the water, I felt a presence. I almost thought it was a ghost, but then I looked behind us and saw that it was not a ghost. This person was alive. And looked like he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep in a while.

He saw me looking at him and gave me a weak smile. I turned back around and looked at CeeCee, who was still gazing out at the water.

Adam came up and sat next to CeeCee in the sand. To say she looked surprised would be the understatement of the century.

"A-Adam? What...what are you doing here?" she asked incredulously.

He attempted a smile, but failed. "I need to talk to you."

I got up and started walking away, to give them some privacy. I looked back at CeeCee and saw that she was looking at me. I winked at her and smiled, then started strolling down along the shore.

Hopefully all would go well with them.


	13. Chapter 13

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Inferiority

Chapter 13

It was about a half hour later that I decided to go back and see how they made out. And that's exactly what I found. Them making out, that is.

I smiled to myself. So everything turned out alright for them after all. All it took was for Adam to act serious for once in his life.

I decided to give them a little more privacy before I interrupted. I owed it to them, anyway.

It was as I was walking along the shore again that I felt a buzz in my shorts. It was weird, because I had totally forgotten that I had my cell phone in my shorts. But once I realized what it was I took it out and flipped it open.

"Hello?" I answered. I didn't have one of those damn display screens. Must get one of those.

"Suze? Hey." Oh, it was just Paul. I should have suspected, anyway. No one else would be calling me, besides him and my family and my few friends.

I smiled. It was good to hear his voice. "Hey. What's up?"

"Just wanted to hear your voice. I'm getting pretty lonely over here."

"I know," I replied. "Its been quite a while since I've last seen you."

He sighed. "I know. I really want to come see you, but I run the risk of someone finding me passed out on the floor."

Despite my current state I laughed. "Well, I'm sure things will turn out better soon."

He sighed again. "Suze..." he said, trailing off. "There...there's something I need to tell you."

My heart started beating faster. What? What could it be?

"My grandfather...he's not doing too good, Suze. In fact, he's getting worse by the day."

"So what does that mean for us?" I was afraid to even ask, but I had to.

He took a deep breath and said, very steadily, "I don't know. I'll be able to come back when I graduate in a few weeks, but other than that, I'm not so sure."

I nodded, even if he couldn't see it. "Right. Well, um, I guess I'll see you then."

He sighed heavily on the other end. "Look, Suze, you have to know that I would be there with you if I could. I swear I would. But its just hard, really hard. I promise, come graduation, I'll be on the next plane back to Carmel. But for now...we just have to wait."

"I know. I know you would be here if you could. But when...when is your graduation?"

Her didn't say anything for a minute. It sounded as if he was flipping through some papers. Probably a calendar, I thought.

"Three weeks from tomorrow."

Okay, that's good. I could easily take a plane there, and then we could come back here together. But...should I tell him what I was planning?

I know I should, but I kind of want to surprise him...

"Good," I ended up saying. "I'll be waiting."

He laughed lightly. "I'm sure you will."

I heard someone call Paul's name on the other end, and he cursed under his breath.

"I'm sorry, Suze, but I have to go. I'll call you later, though, alright?"

"Yeah," I said, "okay."

"'Bye," he said after hesitation. Then I said my goodbyes and he hung up.

Putting my phone back in my pocket, I sighed. Then I looked back at CeeCee and Adam and they weren't even in sight. So I walked back to my car to see if Cee was in there, but then I saw Adam's car and, well, two people were in there.

At least they were finally happy.

I went over to Adam's car and knocked on the window. When no one responded, I knocked again. Finally Adam decided to roll down the window.

"Can I help you, ma'am?" he said, putting on a southern accent.

I rolled my eyes. "I see you two are getting along famously."

He looked back at Cee and she smiled. They both looked a little...exhausted. Suddenly, I really wanted to leave them alone. If they were gonna get it on in Adam's car, I really wanted to be as far away as possible.

"Hmm," Adam said. "We finally came to an agreement."

I raised my eyebrows. "Oh? And what's that?"

He grinned at me. "Get laid, then talk."

"Adam!" That was CeeCee. Of course, she didn't sound nearl as offended as she usually does when he says something like that. Well, I could understand, though. She was definitely a willing participant in the act.

I rolled my eyes again. "Well, I won't keep you." I looked back at Cee and winked. "Have fun you two," I said as I started walking away.

Then I heard Adam go, "Oh, we _will_."

I shuddered as I opened the door of my car. As much as I was happy for them, I didn't want to be there to see them get back together. I shuddered again.

I just hope CeeCee comes to her senses and breaks it off with Tom soon.

- § -

Only, it turns out, Cee really didn't have to tell Tom. He found out by himself, which really is not a very good thing. God, he went ballistic.

It was the next day in school and we were all at lunch. Tom took his usual spot next to CeeCee and I sat uncomfortably across from them. Adam, for the past weeks, has been sitting with some other friends he had managed to acquire. I looked over at their table, and he was already looking back at us. Well, glaring, more like.

Tom's arm had all of a sudden snaked its way around Cee's waist, and I could tell she looked really uncomfortable, but didn't know what to do. Inwardly I groaned. Its _always_ up to me, isn't it?

I cleared my throat rather loudly. Cee looked at me curiously, then she seemed to understand what was going on. Then I started a huge coughing fit, and CeeCee was at my side in an instant.

"Suze?" she asked with fake worry. "Are you alright? Come on, I'm gonna take you to the nurse."

I nodded, pretending to try and hold a cough. Tom looked on worriedly. "Is there anything I can do?"

Cee shook her head. "I'm just gonna bring her to the nurse. We'll be back soon, I promise."

Tom nodded, and then we left. But we weren't heading to the nurse, we were heading to the bathroom.

"Okay," I said, as soon as we were safely inside, "what the hell is wrong with you?"

She looked at me in shock. "What?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on. You seriously need to break up with the guy. Adam is on the verge of going over there and punching the guy out."

Her eyes widened. "You don't think...Adam wouldn't do that, would he?"she asked incerdulously.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, come on. Cee, you and him just made up last night and he's sitting at a different table watching some other guy put his arm around your waist. Don't you think he would be jealous?"

She hesitated. "I...well, yes. But I don't think he would go to the point of punching Tom."

"Oh, really?" I questioned. "He's got it bad for you. You do weird things when you're in love. Trust me, I would know."

She breathed out noisily and looked at the ceiling. Then she brought her violet eyes back to me. "You're right." I bit back a comment and let her continue. "But how do I do it? In case you couldn't tell, I'm not big in the relationship department."

I scoffed. "Well neither am I. But I just think you should tell him that you think you two aren't right for each other."

She nodded. "Okay, of course. Perfect." And then she took a deep breath and walked out of the bathroom and back toward the courtyard, me following silently behind.

"Cee? Is Suze alright?" came Tom's voice as soon as we got to the table.

She nodded and looked back at me. I just nodded back at her and she looked back at Tom.

"Tom..." she said. "We...we need to talk."

He looked at me and I shrugged, sitting back down at the table. "O-okay," he said. "What is it?"

"Can we go somewhere private?"

He nodded. Instantly I felt bad for the guy—I think he knew what was coming. CeeCee led him away from the table and farther away from everyone who was eating. I saw her talking animatedly—and nervously—to Tom. I couldn't see his face, so I didn't know how he was reacting.

"Hey."

I looked up and noticed Adam sitting down beside me. I smiled at him and filled him in on what was happening. He looked very pleased at the news.

"You know," I said. "This whole thing wouldn't have happened if you had just admitted it to her before the party."

He wrinkled his nose at me. "Psh. You know that's not my style, Suze. Complete disarray is how I like my work to be."

I rolled my eyes at him, but didn't say anything in reply.

- § -

So Cee broke up with Tom. Needless to say, he didn't really take it too well. He stalked back to the table that me and Adam were sitting at and said, "This is the guy? _This_ is who you're breaking up with me for?"

Cee was completely mortified. Everyone was currently looking at our table. She shrugged at his question and Tom looked back at Adam.

"Hope you're happy," he grumbled and walked away from the table.

Well, I was quite please with how it went. Sure, it might have been just a little embarrassing for my two best friends, but at least there was no fight.

After school Adam gave me a ride home—this time letting Cee sit in the front, for obvious reasons (I'm just glad they didn't start making out while I was in the back seat). Brad had left school with the Rambler without me, so I was stuck with no ride.

Adam dropped me off, tooted his horn and he and Cee drove off. To where, I have no clue. Let's just hope they brought protection with them.


	14. Chapter 14

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Inferiority

Chapter 14

Okay, may I just say that I absolutely _hate_ airplanes. I've only been on it for ten minutes and I'm getting that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the one where you feel like the plane is going to crash and you'll end up like the people on that TV show _Lost_. I really don't want to end of being a savage, okay? Well, maybe not _all_ of them are savages, but still.

Ugh. Only two more hours until I can see Paul. Just _two_ hours. What to do on a plane for two hours, while you are nervously waiting for it to land...

Sleep doesn't sound too bad.

So I lay my head back on the seat, attempting to fall asleep, but the plane gives a sudden lurch and I'm wide awake again.

Okay, maybe sleep isn't such a good idea.

"Are you alright, miss?"

I looked to my left. The guy next to me was talking. Actually, now that I look at him, I see that he's sorta cute with his dark brown shaggy hair and hazel eyes. _Probably would be hanging out with Jake and his friends if he lived in Carmel_, I thought.

"Um," I said, my eyes drifting involuntarily to his lips. "Yeah. I'm just not big on planes."

He smiled. "Its okay once you get used to it. Is this your first time?"

I mentally scolded myself to stop looking at the guys lips. _I'm taken!_ I mentally screamed. Yet...well, I hadn't gotten any in, like, two months. So can you blame me?

I shrugged. "No. I've been on longer flights before, its just...I think I'm afraid of heights."

He chuckled. "Its alright. A lot of people are." He looked out the window next to me. "So...what are you going to Seattle for?" he asked.

I looked out the window, too. For some reason, it was strangely satisfying to my nerves. "I'm visiting my boyfriend."

"Ah," he said. "I should have suspected. A beautiful lady like you has to be taken."

I felt myself blush. Oh, God. I feel like such a sleaze.

For some reason, I felt the need to explain my situation to him. I didn't want him thinking I was some stupid girl traveling two hours on a plane to see her long-distance boyfriend.

"Well, he used to live in Carmel with me, but his parents live in Seattle, and they wanted him to come back. He didn't want to, but they kinda threatened to cut him off."

I looked back at him and saw that he was smiling. Um, okay... "So," I said, "what's your deal?"

"I live in Seattle, I was just visiting my older sister. Her husband and her just had a baby."

I nodded politely. "That's cool. I've always wanted to be an aunt. Only...I think I'll probably be the first to have a kid in my family." When he laughed at that, I realized something. I didn't even know this guy's name. "So," I said, cocking my head to the side, "do you have a name?"

He stuck out his hand and said, "Steve Michaels."

I took his hand and shook it. "Suze Simon."

He looked at me, his brows furrowing. "Do I...know you? Your name seems familiar, but I can't place it..."

I shook my head. "I don't recognize you or your name, sorry."

He seemed to be thinking. "Wait a second," he said, snapping his fingers. "What's your boyfriend's name?"

Okay, do you blame me for being a little reluctant about giving that piece of information out? "Um...why?" I asked.

He laughed. "Right, sorry. I just...I have a friend in Seattle and he said his girlfriend lives in Carmel and that he...I think he mentioned you before. Okay, just tell me. Is his name Paul?"

My eyes widened in shock. "What...how..."

He laughed again. "Thought as much. Of course Slater would get a girl as pretty as you."

I was still shocked. How..._weird_.

"But he never mentioned that you were coming to visit. He actually said he was gonna come visit you."

I smiled sheepishly. "Um...I'm actually planning on surprising him."

He smiled. "Well, I'm sure he'll be surprised."

- § -

Steve actually offered to drive me over there from the airport. I was planning on taking a bus or a cab there, but I couldn't really pass up the opportunity, now could I?

It took about ten minutes to get from the airport to Paul's house. And when I saw the house, I was in major shock. God, the house was _huge_. I mean, I expected it to be big, but not _that_ big.

Steve saw the look of shock on my face and laughed. "Yeah, its big. You _do_ know that your boyfriend is filthy rich, right?"

I nodded, not even comprehending that he was trying to joke. Its just...wow. Now I'm wondering what's _behind_ the house.

"Come on," he said after grabbing my bag from the trunk. "Let's go inside."

I looked back at him curiously. "What? Do people in Seattle not knock?"

He smiled. "Paul's mom is like that. She doesn't care if we just walk in. Besides, Paul's car is here," he said, gesturing to the driveway. Huh, another BMW. Just how many does this guy have? "So we don't have to worry about him not being there."

I nodded dumbly and took my bag from him, heaving it over my shoulder. He started walking up the walk and I followed. We reached the door and he opened it, holding it open for me as I walked in. I looked around the house in wonder. A chandelier hung above the spot we were standing. The house looked, if possible, bigger from the inside.

We passed our kitchen on the way to the stairs and I saw Paul's mother in there, talking on a cell phone. She waved at us as we passed by. I waved back a little enthusiastically, because I thought maybe she had remembered me from two summers ago, but I guess not.

Soon enough we reached the stairs and walked up them. I gazed at the pictures on the wall and noticed a little boy and an infant, both with golden hair and bright blue eyes. They must be Paul and Jack.

When we reached Paul's bedroom, I became a bit apprehensive. What if he didn't want me here? What if he was so shocked that he had a heart-attack? What if—?

"You okay?"

I looked up at Steve and nodded. Of course I was okay. I could do this.

Steve raised his hand and knocked on the door. A minute later I heard Paul's voice call out, "Who is it?"

"It's Steve, man. And I've got someone here you might wanna see."

A second later the door opened and I saw Paul. He didn't even see me at first. He just said, "Michaels? What are y—?"

That's when he looked a little more to his left and saw me. And his face broke out into a huge smile.

"Suze?" He came over to me and hugged me. "God, what are you doing here?" he asked, pulling me inside his bedroom. Steve followed uncomfortably.

I smiled. "I wanted to surprise you."

He laughed. "Well, you sure did that." He looked over at Steve and then back at me. "How did you get here?"

"Steve gave me a ride. I met him on the plane and he said he knew you."

Paul smirked at me. "Do you always tell complete strangers about me?" he asked sarcastically.

I narrowed my eyes at him and said, quite threateningly, I like to think, "I know what you think is going to happen tonight, and let me just say, its not if you keep that up."

I saw Steve raise an eyebrow, trying not to let out a laugh. Paul just rolled his eyes, then whispered in my ear, "Even so, I know you can't resist me." Which, you know, was so completely true, but he didn't need to have the satisfaction of knowing that.

Paul turned back to Steve and said, "Thanks, man. I appreciate you bringing my girlfriend to me." Steve just nodded and took that as his cue to leave.

After Steve left, Paul took the bag at my feet and set it down on a desk not too far from his bed. Then he proceeded to pull me into his arms. He looked down at me with a smile on his lips, and I looked back up at him with a smile, too.

This was the first chance we could be together in almost two months, so you can't really blame me if I was all mushy.

Then, as if on instinct, his lips came down to meet mine. The kiss wasn't really like our normal ones. It was...better, if possible. Its like...with that kiss, I knew how much he really missed me, and how much he wanted to be with me.

I felt his arms wrap around my waist and pull me even closer; his hands finding their way under my shirt and inching toward my bra; his tongue exploring my mouth like it was some undiscovered, exotic place...

Oh, God. It was unbearable the things he was making me feel right then. I just wanted to be with him, be as close to him as humanly possible; for him to be inside of me...

Then I heard someone's voice as the bedroom door opened. "Paul? There's this—" And then they stopped talking and I heard a small, "never mind," and the door closed. I think I remember that voice as being Jack's.

But then Paul pulled away and looked down at me with a grin. "Miss me?" he asked, even though he fully knew the answer to that.

"All the time," I whispered and leaned up to kiss him again.

When I broke away for air, he leaned his head against mine and just looked at me. No words or anything as he gazed down into my eyes. Its as if his eyes were actually smiling instead of just his mouth.

But then I remember hearing someone call his name. He groaned and, grudgingly, he removed his head from mine. "That's my mom," he explained.

I nodded, trying to look like I wasn't fazed, but, really, I was disappointed. This was the first chance I've got to see him in two months, and we didn't even get to second base. Well, we did, but only for a second.

His mom called again, and he just grunted a reply back. Then he looked at me and rolled his eyes. Not at _me_—I think it was at his mom. "Come on. My parents will want to meet you."

Then I reminded him that they already _have_ met me.

"Oh yeah," he replied. "Well, knowing them, they probably forgot."

And he proceeded to drag me down the stairs with him.

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Finally, an update. Sorry for the wait. I already started the next chapter (albeit its not even a whole page) so it shouldn't take me THAT long to update. Anyway, please **review**.


	15. Chapter 15

Now, I know what everyone's probably thinking. "Oh, my GOD, she's updating!" It's true. I am. Shocked? I sure I am.

Well, anyway, I just wanna apologize for the wait. Not just for this, but for ALL my stories. I've been a bit tied up in things lately. Between final exams and family stuff, so...yeah. Well, I hope you enjoy this very long-awaited chapter. I hope I haven't lost a lot of readers. Please remember to review.

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Inferiority

Chapter 15

Paul's parents were still in the kitchen when we got down there. I was actually surprised to see that Mrs. Slater was cooking. Paul, seeming to notice my shock over this, laughed and said, "My mom's a complete control freak. She has to have everything her way, including the food."

Mrs. Slater looked up as we came in the kitchen. Mr. Slater was reading the newspaper, while she was hovering over the stove, an apron adorning her slim figure. She raised an eyebrow when she saw us. Then she said to me, "You look familiar. Have we met?"

Well, you did just see me not too long ago coming in your home. But I decided not to say that.

"Actually, I babysat Jack when you were visiting Carmel," I replied politely.

She was quiet for a moment. I guess she was trying to recall what I just told her. Then she snapped her fingers, much like Steve did on the plane. "I remember. Yes. Susan, wasn't it?"

I winced. Why must no one get my name right?

Paul saw this and said to his mother, "Its Susannah, not Susan, Mom."

Mrs. Slater nodded politely, but I'm sure she would forget it in a few minutes. I looked over at Mr. Slater and he had finally looked up from his paper. "So," he said when I caught his eye, "you are Paul's new girlfriend?"

I looked back at Paul uneasily, but he just smiled back at me. "Um, yes," I replied.

He nodded. "Well, its nice seeing you again, Susannah. Have you come all the way from Carmel?"

I hesitated. Was this a trick question, or something? Did he not think I was good enough for his son? "Yes, I...I have. And...I'm very sorry to hear about your father, Mr. Slater. He is a very good man."

He just grunted in reply. Apparently he was not too fond of his dear father.

Which, you know, doesn't really surprise me too much. Considering the guy changed his name and all, just so it wouldn't look like he was related to Dr. Slaski.

But what confused me about that is the fact that he moved the dear doctor to a hospital all the way out here in Seattle. Now why would he do that?

Just to piss Paul off like Paul said? Or was it something else?

Hmm…maybe it was just because it was his father. Who knows?

Seeing that it was not going too well, Paul cleared his throat and said, "Well, Mom, Dad, Suze and I are gonna go out and get some food, if that's okay with you." The way he said it made it sound like it was not really open to objection. Just like I figured, his parents did not say a word, so Paul steered me out of the room and toward the front door.

"Sorry about that," he said as he opened the door for me.

I turned to him and smiled. "It's okay."

He smiled back and walked out the door with me. He opened the passenger side door for me as we reached his car and held it open for me to climb in. He then shut the door and walked over to the other side, getting in and starting the ignition.

"So I'm still a little confused as to why you came here," he said as he was pulling out of the huge, wraparound driveway.

I hesitated. "I just wanted to surprise you, I guess."

"Yeah, you mentioned that," he said. "Is there any other reason?"

"Other than the fact that I missed you and couldn't wait another two weeks to see you? No, not really."

He shook his head and grinned. "God, I love you," he proclaimed.

That didn't make me grin _too_ much. Okay, well, maybe it did. "Really? What a coincidence. I love you, too."

He laughed and leaned over to give me a quick kiss. Luckily we were on a one-way side street, so we did not really have to worry about on-coming traffic.

"So, where are we going?"

He looked at me and gave me a half-smile. "You'll see when we get there. And besides, you wouldn't know of the place even if I told you."

I did not object. After all, he had a very good point.

The place we ended up going to was called Strano's. It was a little Italian restaurant a couple miles from Paul's house.

Let me just say, though, for being a little Italian restaurant in Seattle, it sure had a lot of Beemers in the parking lot.

"Ah, Mr. Slater, it's good to see you back," a man said as soon as we walked in the front door.

Paul smiled politely at the guy and said, "Great to see you too, Mr. Strano."

As we walked toward the podium a few feet in front of us, Paul answered in my ear, "That's the owner, if you couldn't tell by his name."

I nodded and he wrapped his arm around my waist.

The girl at the podium was obviously relatively new here, considering she did not know Paul and that she was a little jumpy at her position. Or maybe that was just Paul's presence. That tends to make people squirm, girls especially. Me included.

After a couple words, the girl silently led us to our table. "Here you are," she said finally when we reached the table. She set down some menus as Paul and I seated ourselves - actually, as Paul seated both of us, considering he pulled the chair out for me and all - ever the gentleman, I suppose. The girl finally walked away and I looked over the menu.

"See anything you like?"

I looked up from my menu and said, "Anything you recommend?"

"You mean besides me?" he asked teasingly.

I pretended to think for a moment. "Hmm…yes."

He laughed and said something in Italian that I didn't understand. Geez, how many languages does he _know_?

"I didn't quite catch that."

He laughed again and said, "How 'bout you just go with pasta. Its exceptionally good here."

I rolled my eyes and looked back at the menu, which happened to be in Italian.

When a waitress came to our table, Paul ordered for us, me deciding to go with the pasta and he got a steak.

It was about ten minutes into our meal that I saw them. They were your average jocks and cheerleaders, which didn't surprise me, considering the mass amount of BMWs that I saw outside. They also knew Paul, which also didn't surprise me. Actually, nothing really surprised me about the situation. It just got me a _tad_ bit unnerved.

The two guys - one really tall and blonde, the other average height and had black hair - and the two girls - one with bleach blonde hair and the other with strawberry blonde hair - walked by our table, the maître d' leading them to their table. The taller, blonder one happened to look over at our table and see Paul. He stopped and said, "Slater? Hey, man."

Paul looked up and smiled briefly. He did not seem to thrilled that someone was interrupting his dinner. "Hey, Lew."

Their whole group stopped while 'Lew' talked with Paul. The two girls sized me up and then exchanged glances. One raised her eyebrow at the other and the other shook her head. Ugh. God. I hate cheerleaders.

"This your girl, man?" he asked, nodding toward me.

He looked at me with something that told me he was already bored with this guy. "Yeah. This is Suze. Suze this is John Lewis, Henry Batting, Melissa Canter, and Shannon Piscal." John was obviously the tall blonde, Henry the other guy. Melissa was the strawberry blonde and Shannon was the bleach blonde. Figures, they even had preppy names.

"Nice to meet you, Suze," John said, extending his hand to me. Being polite, I shook his hand and said, "Nice to meet you too," which earned me a glare from Melissa. Well, at least I knew which one was with him.

"Don't you think we should go sit now, John?" she asked, her voice sounding like a five year old's.

He looked at her and nodded. "It was nice seeing you, dude, and you too, Suze. Catch ya later."

Paul nodded and they walked away. When they were no longer within earshot, I said, "well…that was…interesting."

Paul half-laughed. "Yes, I suppose it was. And ignore Melissa. She's always had a thing for me and its obvious that her boyfriend thinks you're attractive."

Okay, I _definitely_ did not know what to say to that. I mean, Paul was telling me that some other dude thought I was hot. And surprisingly, he didn't even seem the least bit annoyed. The only thing that didn't surprise me was the fact that Melissa liked - or still likes? - Paul. I'm sure Shannon probably did - or does - too.

Paul was looking at me like he knew what I was thinking. Which, you know, doesn't really surprise me.

"Suze," he said, sounding a little bored. "I don't care that he thinks you're hot. It's a given, okay? What I _would_ care about is if he lays a hand on you. In which case, you should tell me right away. And besides, I know you would never leave me for him. You're too infatuated with me to even _look_ at another guy." He had a playful glint in his eyes, which made me a little mad - knowing Paul, that was probably his intent.

"Oh, really?" I said. "Well, then I guess its safe to assume that you would never leave me for one of those blonde bimbos, considering that you are _so_ deeply in love with me and all."

He grinned. "Yes, you are definitely safe to assume that." Then he leaned forward to whisper, "And two people that are in love do something that I think we're going to do tonight."

Despite myself, I blushed. I wanted to come up with something witty to reply to that, but just the thought of us…well, my mind was not really on coming up with a witty comment, if you catch my drift.

He laughed and said, "I take that as a yes."

"Don't get your hopes up _too_ much, Paul," I warned.

He was about to say something, which I was so sure was about to be an innuendo, but he stopped himself and just smiled at me. His eyes drifted to the table that the preps were at and then landed back on me. "You ready to go?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I'm pretty full."

"Good," he said, smiling.

He got up and pulled my chair out for me and I stood up. Wrapping his arm around my waist, he dumped the money on the table and we left the restaurant.


	16. Chapter 16

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Inferiority

Chapter 16

The next few days went by pretty fast. I slept at Paul's house, obviously, and spent practically every minute with him. His mom was a little hesitant at first to let me sleep in his room with him, but Paul's dad got involved and he said it was all right. Paul was a pretty happy camper after that.

The first night I was a little nervous. I knew what he wanted to do, and I wanted to, too, but…well, it didn't really feel too right with his parents in the house, despite the size of the gargantuan house. It was different at his grandpa's house in Carmel. I guess I realized that his grandpa would never be able to walk in on us. At his house now, there was always the possibility that someone would walk in.

I voiced my concerns to Paul, but he just told me that the door would be locked. Even so, it still would feel weird. Like, what if someone heard us? How embarrassing would _that_ be. Because, honestly, I know I'm not the quietest person when it comes to that. Even Paul has told me. Not that he really minds, since he's not all that quiet either.

But anyway, I was situated after the first few days. Apparently the weekend had landed and Paul's parents were going away for a few days and they were taking Jack with them. Which meant, plain and simple, that we had the whole, huge house to ourselves.

I figured, you know, that we would get a little "alone time". Well, we did, but only for one night. The next night, well…there was a party.

Yeah, I was a little surprised myself. I don't really know, I just figured that he was not that type. I talked to him about it, and apparently a couple of his buddies convinced him to have a little "get-together".

Hmm…seems like that "get-together" turned into a full-blown kegger.

Paul was pissed at first, when people started coming into the house by truckloads. He wanted to know who invited everyone and that they were going to hear it from him. But after a little coaxing from me, he seemed to calm down.

We hung out with some of his friends in the living room for a while. We played some beer games, but Paul and I both shied away from the alcohol for the most part.

Most of us were in his living room. The room was big enough to hold a hundred people at least, even though there were not nearly that many people. Thirty, tops. I didn't really like the atmosphere. Too many people, the smell of beer and alcohol cigarette smoke. Having Paul next to me with his arm around my waist helped a bit, but other than that it was just…overwhelming.

So I excused myself or a little bit and went upstairs to Paul's room to get my head together. I was only up there for about ten minutes before someone came in. Thinking it was Paul I said, "I'll be down in a minute, I'm just feeling a little light-headed."

But when I turned around and noticed that it was not Paul, but in fact that guy I met in the restaurant, John Lewis, I started. "Oh…h-hi. I thought you were Paul."

He smiled at me and came over to me. I was kind of nervous then. Like, didn't he have a girlfriend or something? Shouldn't he be with her in one of the many extra bedrooms?

"I kind of figured that. Sorry I'm not him."

I laughed a little nervously. "It's alright. Um, can I help you, though?"

"I doubt it." Okay, then why was he up here talking to me? "But I just saw that you were here and wanted to talk to you."

"A-about what?"

"Nothing too specific. Just wondering some things is all."

I was afraid to ask, but I did anyway. "What things?"

"Like how you and Slater came to be." Probably seeing that this sounded very rude, he amended quickly, "Not in a bad way, no. I was just thinking…well, his girlfriends before…they weren't like you. Most of them were just toys. But its different with you, I've noticed. I just want to know what made him choose you over them."

I raised my eyebrows (of course, not having been able to obtain the ability to raise one at a time). Nothing too specific, my ass. Maybe if I gave him an answer he'd leave me alone.

"Probably because I hated him before I went out with him. And I had a boyfriend."

This seemed to shock him. "Hated him? God, never heard that come from a girl's mouth before. Hated Paul Slater…hmm, has an interesting ring to it." He paused and looked at me curiously. "Can I ask why? And a boyfriend? How did you guys break up?" Noticing my look, he said, "Sorry if I'm pushing it."

I ignored him and answered his question. "He was always so arrogant and thought he knew everything. I mean, he's smart and good-looking, don't get me wrong, but it was just that air of self-assurance that got to me. He never seemed to be able to understand why I didn't like him either."

John laughed. "Okay, but you still didn't answer my other question. What about this other guy?"

I looked down at the floor. I wasn't going to answer him, but decided what the hell. "He died." Well, that's the closest to the truth, isn't it?

"Oh," John said. "God, I'm sorry. I just figured…you know, that you broke up with this guy to be with Slater."

I shook my head. "Not really. This guy…" God, it was hard talking about Jesse to someone. I haven't done it in so long. "He was perfect. But then one day he was just gone. It took me nearly a year to cope with it and…well, Paul helped."

"So you just went out with Slater after your boyfriend died?"

His words were so harsh that I almost cried. When he put it like that, it seemed like I was trashing Jesse's memory. But it wasn't like that. Jesse _wanted_ me to be with someone else. And what he wrote about seeing who this other person was, it could _only_ be Paul.

"It's not like that. Paul…he was there for me when I needed him and he showed me a side to him that I had never seen before. And over time I grew to really like him and…maybe love him."

Okay, so I wasn't sure why I was really telling this guy all of this information. He certainly didn't need it.

John seemed to consider this. "And do you love him?" he asked, his voice growing deeper. I wasn't really sure whether that was intentional or not, but it kind of freaked me out.

"Um," I started, but as I was about to say 'yes' I decided to tell him, "why are you asking me this?"

He laughed and then smiled at me. "Well, I just consider Paul a dear friend. I just was curious as to how you feel about him."

Getting annoyed, I said, "Well, obviously I feel _some_thing for him if I'm going out with him."

But I realized how false that statement really was. I was forced to do many things that I didn't want to do and realized that someone could be forced to go out with someone else. Not that they would look enthused about it, as I must have looked overjoyed.

He nodded. "Good point." He looked over at me again and smile formed on his lips. It didn't look too friendly. Then he said, "Have you ever considered that maybe its Slater's fault that your boyfriend isn't here now?"

I blinked. "What? How could you even THINK that? Of course not!"

But even as I was denying it and saying that that couldn't be true, not in the least bit, his words began to sink in. I started to think that maybe Paul did do something to get rid of Jesse and to get me to like him. Maybe it was all planned and…

Oh, Jesus Christ. Why does this always happen?

I told myself that Paul would never sink that low. And besides, Jesse wouldn't have written that letter and said that he could tell that he was leaving me, whether he wanted to or not. He wouldn't have told me that he thought Paul would be right for me.

Unless Paul forced him to.

But…Jesse wouldn't do that! No matter what Paul inflicted on him!

But what if he threatened me? Jesse would do whatever it was that Paul asked in a heartbeat (oh, how ironic, considering he didn't have one) if it meant me being unharmed.

Oh my God.

No. Paul is my boyfriend and I trust him. He would NEVER do that.

Ever.

Never ever.

Good, now that that's settled.

John was looking at me curiously. And then, to my everlasting horror, he leaned his head down and kissed me. Right as I was about to push him away from me I heard someone come in the bedroom door and say, "Okay…" and then walk back out.

Why is it that some people have impeccable timing? I mean, really. They couldn't have walked in a few seconds earlier or later? But of course, they had to walk in at the exact moment that John kissed me.

Of course I pushed him away as soon as I could. Even if whoever came in already saw him kissing me.

"What the fuck is your problem?" I screamed as soon as I could find my voice again.

"I thought you'd enjoy it."

He thought I'd enjoy it? What? How would he figure THAT one out?

"Um, no. I did NOT enjoy that. You have your own girlfriend, go kiss her. Leave me alone." And then I stormed out of the room.

Oh, my God. That was horrible. I mean, I like kisses just as much as the next girl, but not from someone who's not my boyfriend or someone I ever liked. John's good-looking, but I'm not attracted to him, nor will I ever be.

"Suze! Come on, wait a second!"

Oh, you have GOT to be kidding me.

"Leave me alone, okay? If you don't I'll go find Paul and tell him what happened."

John didn't look intimidated in the slightest. But then, just as I was about to pull another threat out of my ass, someone behind me said, "Tell me what?"


	17. Chapter 17

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Inferiority

Chapter 17

Oh, God. As if things couldn't get any worse. I wanted to tell him. I really did. But I didn't want to be a narc.

"Suze, tell me what? Lewis, what were you doing with her? Did you touch her? Because I swear to God if you did I'll---"

"You'll what, Slater? Kick my ass? As if you haven't done that before. Remember when we were kids? You used to try and do that every chance you got."

This only seemed to increase Paul's anger. I think he knew what happened already.

"You keep your hands off my girlfriend, Lewis. Just because yours seems to want me more than you doesn't mean you have to try and get mine."

John smiled cruelly then. "What, afraid that if I spend too long with her she'll realize she likes me better? If I recall correctly, she said she used to hate you, so I'm sure I can make her do that again."

Paul sent me a quick look and then turned back to John. "I'm not afraid of anything. But I think you might want to keep your little slut on a tighter leash. She just tried to get me in bed not five minutes ago."

I was suddenly angry at that. Damn that girl, trying to get my boyfriend to get in bed with her. If I saw her before the night was over, I was going to have a word with her (which might end up with my fist in her face).

"Is that so?" John asked nonchalantly. "I'm not really surprised. She's been trying to do that with Henry a lot."

Okay, if a guy realizes that his girlfriend isn't really faithful to him, then why would he stay with her? Not that I want him to be single and try and corner me or anything. But still.

I could see that Paul was getting frustrated, considering he wasn't really able to inflict any emotional damage or get a rise out of John.

I had had enough. "What do you want, John?"

He turned his gaze to me and smiled wickedly. "More than I care to express to you. But what I really want?" He stopped and looked around for a moment, as if thinking about it. "I want what he has. Not the money or the looks or any of that. But what you are to him. Every girl I've gone out with has been shallow and completely unfaithful. But you seem to really want to be with him and won't part with him. I can't seem to understand that. It can't just be because of how he looks or the money." He hesitates. "Is it?"

I glared at him. Pushing all thoughts of what he said about Paul earlier aside, I said, "No, of course not. Paul and I have been through things that you couldn't even begin to imagine. Its brought us together and held us there and that's why I'm with him. I love him and I could never leave him, _will_ never leave him. So whatever you're thinking, just stop. Its not our fault that you date shallow girls and expect them to be faithful to you. Get over it and go get a new girlfriend."

And before he could react or answer, I grabbed Paul's arm and dragged him, rather forcefully, away. We turned a corner and I pulled him into a bedroom and shut and locked the door.

"Look, Paul-"

"Don't talk."

Now, normally if someone said that to me I'd be rather annoyed, but what followed his statement made me swallow my retort.

Because he kissed me and I completely forgot about anything I was going to say or do.

Kissing him back, I allowed myself to sink onto the bed beside me, pulling him down with me. "Mmm," I moaned into his mouth as he slipped his tongue inside mine.

And as I said, "Mri ruv myoo," I realized that I really meant it and _did_ trust him.

Paul lifted his head from mine and looked down at me, laughing. "What was that?"

I smiled. "I love you, Paul Slater."

He grinned. "You have no idea how great it makes me feel to hear you say that." He leaned down and kissed my nose. "I love you, too, Susannah Simon."

He began kissing me again, his hand that was recently on my hip moving north more. My hands were wrapped around his neck, but then I moved them to either side of his hips and pulled him down on top of me. My legs involuntarily intertwined with his. I felt Paul smile against my lips.

The one hand of his that wasn't cupping my breasts was slowly untying the halter top that I was wearing. It's amazing that he can untie a knot with one hand. It certainly is something that I would love to learn.

And now that I think about, he really didn't need to untie it. He could have just slipped the shirt over my head.

That's what he did next though. And I wasn't really wearing a bra. So you know, that just gave him free reign to fondle my boobs. Not that I minded, it was making me feel as good as I'm sure it was making him.

"Mmm," I moaned again. I guess he figured instead of using his hands to play with my chest, he would use his mouth.

I opened my eyes and looked at him as he was kissing down my torso. He got to the waistband of my jeans and starting undoing them with his hands.

Then I realized, well, there was something wrong with this picture. "Hey, buster," I said, even though he was making me feel _really_ good. "Not yet."

Paul looked confused, like he couldn't figure out why I wouldn't let him unbutton my pants. I pointed to his shirt and he shook his head, removing it for me, and also giving me a gorgeous view of his chest and abs. I seriously could never get tired of looking at that body.

"Better?" he asked huskily, still leaning over that area.

I nodded and smiled satisfactorily. "_Much_. Now if you would remove your pants…"

He laughed and put on a southern accent. "Yer jus' gonna haf to wait fer that, darlin'."

I raised my eyebrows (I still really wish I could raise one at a time. But I can't, which sucks). "Yer sure, cowboy?"

"Oh, I'm suuuuure," he replied in the accent.

But before I could say anything more, he unzippered my pants and was attempting to wriggle them down my legs. It seemed like a difficult feat, also considering how tight those jeans are on me.

"Jesus, Suze," he said when he finally managed to get them off, "are those damn things tight enough on you?"

"Well," I said, "you seemed to like them when they were on me."

He considered this for a moment. "Good point. Although, I think I like it better when you're not wearing _any_thing."

I laughed. "I gathered that."

And then he smothered my lips with his own. "'Nough talking," he growled and kissed me again.

It wasn't long before all of our clothing was removed and he was getting ready to…well, you know.

After that was over, I laid my head on his chest and listened to his heart. It almost lulled me to sleep, except for the fact that I was starting to think. And when that happens…well, its annoying. Because the thing I was thinking about? Yeah, not how hot my boyfriend is. Sure, it was about him, but not really something good. It was about what John had said earlier, about Paul maybe doing something to get rid of Jesse. I know it sounds ridiculous and he would never do that, but…I had to know for sure.

"Paul."

"Hmm?" he mumbled into my ear. I could feel it reverberating through his chest as well.

I took a deep breath and removed my head from his chest. I tried to look him in the eye when I asked him, but I chickened out and looked down at the comforter.

He sat up a little and looked at me curiously. "What? What's wrong?"

I shook my head. "Nothing. I just…I was wondering something."

He raised an eyebrow in question (see? Why can he do that and I can't? Its SO not fair).

"Did you…didyouhavesomethingtodowithJessedisappearing?" I said in a fast rush, just to get it over with.

Paul seemed like he didn't understand it for a second. "Wha…" he said and then when it registered his face darkened. "How could you think that?" he asked accusingly, his tone full of ice.

Without even letting me answer, he removed himself from under me. He stood up off the bed and quickly got dressed.

"Paul," I started.

He whipped around to me and glared. "I thought you trusted me. I thought that finally, _finally_ I got you to trust and love me. But…I see that you don't. You're just with me because you're precious _Jesse_ left."

And he reached the door with an alarming speed, opening and leaving, slamming the door behind him.

I scrambled out of the bed and got dressed.

Oh, fuck. What did I just do? Why did I ever think that he could have been responsible for Jesse leaving? Not only was I feeling guilty for this now, but it brought up some old guilt too. From when I was kind of using Paul to get over Jesse. I wasn't doing that anymore, but it still hurt.

I pulled a hand through my hair after I put my clothes on and scrambled out the door in search of Paul. I needed to find him and apologize. I needed…

God, I needed _him_.

This really sucks. Seriously. Why did I have to open my big mouth? Of _course_ Paul had nothing to do with it. It just stuck there because of what John said.

God, I wanted to murder him right now. John, not Paul. It was his fault. If he hadn't been stalking me tonight, this would not have happened.

I reached the living room and noticed that even more people had arrived. I saw Steve in the corner of the room and went up to him.

"Hey," he smiled. "What's up?"

"Have you seen Paul?"

He looked uncomfortable then. "Uh, yeah. He just went outside."

"Front or back?"

"Back. He's probably by the pool."

I nodded and said thanks and went outside. Sure enough, Paul was there, along with a bottle of vodka he must have snatched from the freezer.

It was truly amazing that there was no one out here. It seemed that being inside was the coolest thing to do, considering the only two people out there for Paul and myself.

I took a deep breath and walked over to him. I wasn't even halfway there when he mumbled, so I could barely hear, "Go away, Suze."

"Paul," I protested, walking further toward him. "I'm -"

"Forget it. Whatever. Just leave me alone right now."

I got angry then. "What, just so you could wash away your problems with liquor? Paul, look -"

"Suze, I'm serious, just go."

"I'm serious too. I made a mistake, okay? I'm sorry."

I was at his side now and he was staring down at the ground from the chair he was sitting in. "It wasn't a mistake. Because now I know you don't trust me. And probably never will."

"Paul-"

He snapped his head up to look at me. Looking into my eyes intensely, he asked, "How long have you wondered that, huh? Was it always on your mind?"

"I just thought about it tonight. John got me talking-"

"Don't even say that name." He paused slightly and looked down at the ground again. Then he growled, "Why don't you go be with him? I'm sure he'd better suit you."

"Paul, listen to me. He was talking to me tonight and I kinda spilled about Jesse and all and he asked me if I ever considered that it was your fault that he wasn't with me anymore." I paused and it was then that I realized I had begun to cry. "I waved it off then. But I guess it implanted itself in my mind and I began to doubt you. I know I shouldn't have, but…I guess there's really no explanation for it. I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry for doubting you."

He didn't say anything to me after I spoke. I walked around so I was standing in front of him. I took one of his hands in mine. It was really warm, despite the chilly demeanor he had. He didn't pull it back, so I took that as a good sign.

"I do trust you, Paul. And I'm not just with you because Jesse's not here. I'm with you because I love you."

He stayed silent still and didn't even look at me. I dropped his hands completely in anger and yelled, "Dammit, Paul! Why are you being like this? I -"

"Because what you were asking me was like me asking you if you fucked John, but worse." His voice was so low and so…unemotional, that I took a step back.

"But you _know_ I'd never do that, Paul!"

He looked up then and I realized how tortured he must have felt then. "Just like I thought you knew I would never do _that_."

I gulped. He had a point. Well, I knew that already. What I asked him was…Oh, God. Could this night get any worse? I mean, it goes from okay to sucky to awesome to completely ridiculously sucky.

Ugh.

I sighed and kneeled before him and raised his face to meet mine, so he had to look me in the eyes. "Paul," I started. "I'm sorry. You're right. Like I said, there _is_ no explanation for what I said, but I just hope that you can forgive and forget."

He looked in my eyes for a moment and I saw the ice melt, but as soon as it was gone, it was back. He dropped his eyes and removed my hands from his face. "Just go away for now, okay, Suze? I need to think."

I should have just done what he said and left. I really should have. But I suppose the anger was still there in me and it flared up.

"You know, I forgave you when you did some stupid things to try and get me to like you. I forgot about that and forgave you for it. But no, you can't forgive me for ONE stupid mistake I made."

"Suze -"

"NO, Paul. Look, I DO love you, whether you think I do or not. And if this whole thing is about Jesse too…" And this is where I should have stopped talking. "Well, I just want you to know that I still love him too. I love two guys at the same time. I know that's probably not normal, but then my whole LIFE has not been normal. So PLEASE, just stop _being_ like this…"

He breathed out loudly and then looked up at me from where I was standing. "You love both of us, huh? Well, here's a question for you. If he was still here, who would you be with?"

He barely even gave me a chance to answer. One second hesitation and he turned away and said, "That's what I thought."

I didn't even think. "That's NOT FAIR! How can you put me in that position?!"

He still looked at me but didn't answer. But his eyes told me everything.

Blinking back tears I said, trying to keep my voice steady, "Fine. I get it now. I'll be leaving."

And I turned around and left.

**Ooooohhh. Drama, drama, drama. Hehe. Well, review, please. It makes me happy.**


	18. Chapter 18

****

Inferiority

Chapter 18

I knew he wasn't following me as I ran inside the house. I was angry, sad, whatever, all at the same time. And it sucked. So I went upstairs and grabbed my stuff and ran back downstairs. I walked out front and was going to call a cab, when someone said my name.

I thought it was Paul at first and my heart skipped a beat. _Maybe he's coming after me_, I thought.

But, to my everlasting disappointment, it was actually Steve. "Suze," he said incredulously, "what are you doing?" He came up beside me and looked at me expectantly.

I sighed and looked away from him. "I'm leaving," I mumbled.

He seemed shocked. "What? Why? What's going on?"

My voice was very quiet as I explained to him. "Paul and I…I said something stupid to him and he won't forgive me for it. I think its best that I leave."

"Suze." Steve put a hand on my shoulder and pulled me into a hug. And then I was bawling into his shirt. "It's okay," he said as he rubbed my back.

_This should be Paul_, I thought to myself. But at the time, I really didn't care who it was, just as long as _some_one cared and was comforting me. 

He let go a few minutes later and I wiped my face off with the bottom of my shirt before he could see my face. "Thanks," I mumbled.

He smiled. "Look, Suze. I think you know as well as anyone that Paul is a difficult person to handle. I think you just need to give him time."

I shook my head. "I don't think time will cure what he's thinking right now. If anything, it'll make it worse. Look, Steve, thanks for everything, but I have to get going…"

He sighed, probably realizing that he wouldn't be able to stop me from leaving. "All right. You want a ride to the airport?"

Grateful, I said, "That would be great." Then I thought about the party. "You haven't been drinking, have you?"

He laughed and shook his head. "Straight edge," he reminded me. Which was weird, since he was hanging out with Paul. And, well, Paul was most definitely _not_ straight edge. The only thing remotely resembling the straight edge lifestyle in him was that he doesn't smoke or do drugs.

I laughed too. It was a strange sensation after what I was feeling only a few moments earlier, but it made me feel a little bit better.

A _little._

The ride to the airport was strangely silent. It wasn't uncomfortable though. I guess Steve realized that I needed to think in quiet. I wouldn't have minded if he talked, but the quiet wasn't a bad alternative.

He dropped me off at the airport and wished me good luck. I silently laughed at the irony. Good luck? _Me?_ Yeah, right. I've walked under my fair share of ladders and its finally paying its dues.

I thanked him for everything, again, and he smiled at me and drove off, but not before telling me that I should call him if I needed anything.

I sighed and waited for my light to be called. When it did, I silently boarded the plane. This time, though, I wasn't sitting next to someone somehow connected to me. Just a complete brown haired, brown eyed stranger. And I liked it that way.

The whole two hour plane ride I thought about the two men in my life that I love. And I thought about the question one of them recently sprung on me. What _if_ Jesse was still here? _Would_ I be with him?

Probably. If Jesse had never left, I would never have spent so much time with Paul and I would never have realized that I had the potential to love him.

And love him I did. Especially now, considering he probably would never want to see me again.

_Stop being such an idiot_, I scolded myself. I knew Paul loved me back. He's told me and _shown_ me numerous times. He wouldn't have acted the way he did in the past (when Jesse was still present) if he could so easily throw me to the curb now. 

He had to see eventually that he made a mistake and that the one I made was just that - a mistake. He just needed time to get over what he was feeling. And time I would give him.

- § -

My family seemed surprised to see me back so soon. I was only at Paul's house for a few days, when I told them I would be there for at least a week. But still, they welcomed me with open arms. Well, with the exception of Dopey. Coincidentally, he was the first one who guessed what went wrong. Thankfully, it was not in front of the rest of my family.

I was outside near the Jacuzzi, trying to get a tan and to take my mind off of things. Dopey came barreling out and growled at me, in his usual Neanderthal speak, "Did you and Slater break up?"

I sat up in the lounge chair and blinked at him. Mostly because my eyes had not adjusted to the sun yet, but also because I couldn't quite register what he was saying to me.

And when it did, I felt like crying. But I could never do that in front of Dopey. He would never let me live it down.

"What are you talking about?" I snarled back.

He smirked and I instantly knew that he knew the truth. "Well, why are you back here so early from his house? The only logical answer is that you two had a fight and broke up."

Wow, I was actually impressed. I never thought he even knew what the word "logical" meant, let alone deducing the right answer from the circumstances given.

I figured it wouldn't help to lie, so I just shrugged. "We had a fight, but we didn't break up. I just left because I figured he needed time to think."

Brad narrowed his eyes. "Uh-huh. Right. Well, why hasn't he come after you yet?"

Hmm, its strange. I was wondering the same thing.

I shrugged again. "No idea. Delayed flight, car problems, accident…could be any of one those or a combination of all of them. I'm not really too concerned about it."

Of course, this was all a lie. I _was_ concerned. I was really hoping that he would have come after me as soon as I came back here. But I was wrong. Maybe it really was over between us.

Brad raised an eyebrow. (WHY can everyone BUT ME do that? Its SO not fair.) "So why do you keep checking your phone every five seconds?"

Before I could help myself, I burst out, "Why do you _care_?"

He totally surprised me by saying, "Because you're my sister." Mind you, he said this with a completely straight face.

I snorted. "Right. Like that's made you care before."

"What, when you were all sappy for, like, that whole year? I would have let you know I cared, except I had no idea who it was that was causing you pain."

Okay, can you see why I fell out of my chair? I was so shocked. Like, seriously. Dopey, of all people, cared about me. What is this world coming to?

"Who was it anyway?" he went on. "What dickhead fucked you and dumped you?"

Okay, now this was the normal Dopey I was used to. Which made it easier to yell at him.

"Will you just _leave me alone_?" I growled. I did _not_ want to be having this conversation.

"No," he growled back at me. "Who was it? Was it that Jesse guy? I'll find him and kick his ass."

He looked like he was about to turn around and do just that, but I stopped him.

"He didn't "fuck me and dump me" as you put it. He…he had to leave. It wasn't his choice or mine and…I've learned to deal with it."

I regretted saying anything to him the moment the words were out of my mouth. I really wished I could catch them and shove them back down my throat where they belonged.

He looked at me for a minute, and for a second I thought that he knew what I was talking about - why Jesse had to leave, why he _did_ leave. But then he shook his head and said, "How can't it be his choice if he was the one who left? Can't you go see him again?"

It hurt to be talking about Jesse like this. It really did. Especially with my least favorite step-brother.

"No," I said. I was trying so hard to fight back tears then. I hoped Brad would go away before they spilled.

"Well, why?" he persisted.

Oh, my God. I really wished he would just _leave me alone_. But of course, he had to keep asking questions. Maybe he knew he was getting to me and was doing it on purpose. I wouldn't put it past him.

"I just…I _can't_. What don't you understand about that?" I shook my head angrily. Why was I even trying to explain myself to him? "Leave, Brad."

He looked at me with hurt on his face. "Fine," he said, defeated, "but I was just trying to help."

I blinked after him when he left to go back inside. _Great, now I'm going to feel guilty_. God, what was the world _coming _to, that I felt guilty for being mean to Dopey?

**I know, its not all that exciting. But...you get to see a little humanity in Dopey! ...Okay, I know that's not that thirlling, but still. **

**Anyway, please review!**


	19. Chapter 19

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Inferiority

Chapter 19

Two months later…

"Oh, Suzie, I'm going to miss you so _much_!"

Well, I realized that, of course. That my mother would miss me when I went off to college. But if I hadn't realized that before, I sure realized it then with the death hug that I had received on the word _much_.

I hugged her back as enthusiastically as I could muster. Despite the promise of freedom that going away to college gave me, I still felt sad about leaving my home. And really, I wasn't as happy to be going off to college as I should have been. As any normal 18 year old would be.

But really, when have I _ever_ been normal?

"I'll miss you, too, Mom," I replied when she finally released me from her deadly embrace.

She was all teary-eyed and sniffly. I felt bad for not being the same way.

"You have to come back for Thanksgiving and Christmas. It wouldn't be the same without you, Suzie."

I smiled at my mother. "Of course I'll come back for the holidays. I wouldn't dream of not coming back."

That made my mom really happy. But then I guess she realized that it was about time I set off. I had a three hour drive ahead of me to get to NoCal and I really wanted to get there before lunchtime, so I could get everything unpacked and then go to sleep early.

She hung by the driver side door as I got in the car. My step brothers and Andy were all waiting on the porch, waving goodbye. Well, it was only Andy and David that were waving goodbye. It looked like Jake and Brad would rather have been somewhere else at that moment. I didn't really blame them.

Brad had had the good sense not to bring up the thing with Paul again. He, like me, had just pretended that never happened. I sort of felt bad that the first time my least favorite step-brother seemed like he was feeling compassion for me, I was a complete bitch to him. But…well, whatever.

"Bye, Mom. I'll call you when I get there."

My mom nodded, still with tears in her eyes. She backed away from the car as I put it in reverse and pulled out of the driveway. She was still in the same position when I looked in the rearview mirror as I was driving away.

- § -

If I had expected to fall asleep peacefully right after I finished unpacking, I was sadly mistaken. I arrived on campus at eleven o'clock. I was a bit early, since most people were checking in around noon. I got the key to my assigned dorm and went up to unpack my stuff.

The room was nice. It had two twin beds on either side and two makeshift dressers, kind of on the small side, but that didn't matter; I hadn't brought many clothes with me, just the ones that were necessary - jeans and tee shirts, the occasional dressy shirt and dress and skirt - everything managed to fit in the dresser when I was finished. There was also a bathroom adjoined to the room. It was a tad small and the shower looked like it hadn't been cleaned in a while, but that could be taken care of, so I wasn't too worried about it.

What I was worried about, when my roommate finally showed up at 12.30, was how we would get along.

I had wanted to room with Gina. We both planned on going to the same school, but then she got into to NYU and said that was her dream school. I didn't get in there. So that was the end of that.

And I was stuck rooming with someone I had never met before.

My roommate was your typical prep. She must have been at the most a size two, with quite ginormous boobs, if I say so myself. Not that I was looking. Ew. She was blonde, but it definitely was not natural. She also had these really awesome looking blue eyes, but, I realized, they were probably contacts. The only other person I had seen with eyes that beautiful blue, was Paul. It couldn't be possible that someone else possessed such breathtaking eyes. And last, she was dressed, head to toe, in designer clothes. Gucci heels, Abercrombie white jeans, an Armani Exchange t-shirt, a Tiffany bracelet and anklet, a Prada purse, and, to top it all off, Chanel sunglasses. She was a prep if I ever saw one.

Not that I have anything against preps or anything. But it was just the look she gave me when she walked in. Like, _oh, my god, _this_ is my roommate? What a freak!_

I could care less, really, about what she thinks of me. It would just be annoying to have to share a room with a complete priss.

"Hi," I said as nicely as I could muster, when she stopped her Louis Vuitton rolling suitcase at the foot of her bed - well, considering I had already claimed mine.

She just looked at me and said and very weak 'hi' and turned back to her stuff. I could tell it wasn't shyness. It was just complete disinterest.

I shrugged and laid back on my bed, grabbing my comforter from the foot of the bed, and attempted to catch some 'z's - I think I've been around Jake for waaaay to long.

I say attempted, because Miss Priss started jabbering on her cell phone. I took a peak, just to see if my suspicions were correct. Yep, it was an iPhone. Huh. Go figure.

I smashed my pillow against my ears, so I couldn't hear her. But _damn_, she talked so _loud_.

"Like, seriously, Stacy, this place is a dump. The shower looks like it hasn't even been, like, cleaned since, like, it was first built. The dressers would like, _never_ fit all of my clothes, and there isn't even, like, a closet to hang up my dresses. This sucks. I should have just, like, gotten an apartment. Ugh."

I could even hear her friend Stacy jabbering away on the other end. "I know! I really hope, like, my roommate is cool about having guys over." She paused. I could feel her look over at me. "She's okay, I guess. At least she's not one of those gothic types. God, I wouldn't be able to _stand_ that."

I love how she was talking about me right when I was five feet away from her.

"Yes!" she suddenly squealed. "Tell him to come over tonight! God, he is so hot. Hmm, I have to go out and buy some condoms then and - "

I had had enough. I removed the pillow from my head and glared at her. She wasn't even looking at me, but still.

"Look," I said, a little louder than I had meant to. She turned around and gave me a curious look. "What's your name?"

She looked a little taken aback. Maybe it was the tone I said it in.

"LeeAnn," she answered.

"Suze," I said back, just to be polite. She didn't say anything back. No "nice to meet you" or "how was your trip." Just silence.

"Okay, LeeAnn," I said. "I had to get up at six o'clock this morning to drive up here and I'm exhausted. If you're going to blab away, can you at least go out of the room? I need sleep."

She looked a little less than harmless then. "Scratch that," she said into her phone. "My roommate is a complete bitch."

I laughed at that. "Boy, sister, you don't know what you're in for then."

She rolled her eyes and started talking to her friend again.

I was annoyed then, close to lashing out. So, before I could cause some serious damage to my roommate's face, I decided to go and take a walk. I grabbed the key and my bag and walked out the door, slamming it for extra effect.

- § -

Weeks went by at school. It was okay. I had met a couple of new friends and had planned to go out with them that night. Plus, LeeAnn was planning on having some "friends" over. I figured I'd get out while I still could.

We were getting along a little better. I guess it was just breaking the ice. It actually happened when she brought a few friends in our dorm and one of them cooed over how adorable my Jimmy Choos were. I didn't mention that I got them for less than half price. If she wasn't up on the seasons, I wasn't about to remind her.

So I felt somewhat comfortable around her. She let me know ahead of time when she was having "friends" over. Aka, she was having an adult slumber party. Catch my drift? I _so_ did not want to be there when they started cracking open beers. Who knew what she would do in front of me when she got enough alcohol in her?

We were going out that day to go shopping. She kept bugging me about it, so I finally said yes.

She wanted to go to the mall, but it was an hour away, so I told her just local stores. Luckily there were some shops in town that sold things up to her standard.

After we were done shopping, we went in this small café to grab something to eat. We got a booth and the waiter served us. After we ate and were sipping our coffee, LeeAnn started giggling.

I looked up from my coffee, annoyed. "What?"

"Don't look," she said, "but there's this _totally_ hot guy checking me out. Like, he's _really_ hot. Doesn't look from around here, though." She frowned, probably thinking how she could get away with screwing this "totally hot guy" and not getting caught by her boyfriend.

Finally, I got annoyed at her giggling and turned around, despite her protests, to see what this guy looked like.

When I turned around to get a peek at him, my eyes landed on a pair of familiar blue ones.

**Hehe, cliffie. :D ...Please review!**


	20. Chapter 20

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Inferiority

Chapter 20

He was looking at me. His eyes swept up and down my frame, and then they landed back on mine. He wasn't smiling or frowning or…_any_thing, really. His face was deadpan, so I couldn't decipher what he could be thinking.

God, it seemed like forever since I had seen him last. I had missed him so much. And I had been angry at him too. But mostly angry at myself for ruining everything.

I turned back around quickly. LeeAnn was whisper-yelling at me. "I told you not to turn around!"

I blinked. What was he _doing_ here? How could he…?

Oh, God. This was going to be difficult. And not just breaking it to LeeAnn that the "totally hot guy" was looking at me, not her.

I could still feel him looking at me. His eyes were burning a hole in my back. I knew he was trying to get me to turn around again, to talk to him. But I couldn't bring myself to even move a finger.

Maybe part of it was that I was still mad at him for not coming after me. Well, I suppose he did, if he was there then, but still. It took him long enough.

"Suze," LeeAnn said.

I blinked and looked at her. "Huh?"

"Let's go. Trev's gonna be there at seven, so we better go." I nodded and we both stood up. Then she giggled again and whispered, "I'm gonna go see if I can get his number."

I nodded, knowing what was going to happen. _I should just wait outside and pretend its not happening_, I told myself.

But I stayed right where I was.

I heard them talking. And then LeeAnn saying, "Oh, o-of course. Let me go get her."

She came back to the table, where I was waiting. "He wants to talk to you," she said, her voice taking on a bitter tone.

Oh, great. So she's mad at me. Whatever.

I nodded and took a breath. I couldn't just walk away then. LeeAnn would just nag me the whole way and Paul would find a way to talk to me. Knowing him, he already knew what dorm I was staying in.

I walked up to him slowly and (somewhat) shakily. He half-smiled at me as I strode over to him, but I kept my face deadpan.

"Suze," he finally said.

I blinked. "What?"

"I need to talk to you."

"You are."

He darted a glance back at LeeAnn. "Alone."

I swallowed and nodded. I wasn't really capable of speech, other than a few words here and there. His sudden presence had me speechless and it was starting to annoy me. I wasn't always like that around him, so why was this time different?

I looked back at LeeAnn, who was glowering near the doorway. I don't think a guy has purposely wanted to see me instead of her. It would shock me too, if the guy didn't happen to be Paul.

"Hold on," I mumbled and walked back to LeeAnn.

"Look," I said to her. "I'll explain everything later. But I need to talk to him alone. There are some things that we need to sort out."

She narrowed her eyes. "Wait. You two know each other already?"

I nodded and let a nervous laugh escape. "Yeah."

"How?" she asked.

"Like I said, I'll explain everything later. But now…could you just, you know, leave?" I asked as nicely as I could.

She rolled her eyes. "Fine. But if you get laid, you're telling me everything."

I blinked. "Okay, now leave."

She smiled maliciously and left the café, leaving me alone with Paul.

"You always manage to acquire interesting friends, Suze."

I turned around. He was standing right in front of me. He was smiling at me, and I was so tempted to just fall into his arms and let him tell me that everything would be okay.

But I couldn't. Becauseeverything _wasn't_ okay. I couldn't forget about everything that had happened between us and why I hadn't seen him in almost four months.

Seeing that I wasn't going to answer him, he sighed and said, "Let's go find somewhere to talk."

I nodded. "There's a park nearby. We can go there."

"Sounds good."

I led the way to the park, him walking alongside me. We didn't talk the whole way there, partly because I was at a loss for words and because I didn't want to be the first one to talk.

I came to the park daily. It was just a place where I could sit peacefully, without anyone disturbing me. It was something that I needed in my life, a sort of balance to the hectic school and work schedule I was going through.

I walked him over to my favorite bench that was positioned under a willow tree. It was shaded perfectly from the sun and gave the most beautiful view of the park in autumn. I figured it would be a good place to talk.

"Nice place," Paul commented.

I nodded. "Hmm," I agreed.

When had it become so difficult to talk to him? How come we couldn't easily strike up a conversation, like we used to? It was ridiculous. I wanted to scream.

"So…" he started. "What are you studying here?"

I figured I'd go along with the conversation. At least he was making an attempt. And…well, I didn't feel like confronting our problems just yet.

"Psychology. A little bit of Criminal Justice. You know."

He nodded and cracked a smile. "I figured you'd go into psych. You have a knack for understanding people."

But not you, I wanted to say. 

"What about you? Where are you even going?"

"Stanford. And I figured you would have guessed by now what I'm doing."

I laughed. "Duh. Law. Forgive me, I'm kind of slow today."

He smiled. "Not a problem."

He looked a little nervous, which wasn't normal for Paul. What could he be nervous about? Was he here to take me back…or to break up with me permanently?

I shuddered at the last thought. Even though I survived without him for this long, I still would be devastated if he dumped me altogether. At least I had the hope that he would be back for me, but if he broke up with me now…

I tried not to think about it.

Yet…I had to know.

"Paul," I started. He gave me his undivided attention. "What…well, what are you doing here?"

His eyes searched my face, but I was beginning to be good at hiding my emotions. He settled for asking, "Isn't it obvious?"

I shook my head. "Not to me."

He nodded. "Right. Well, I figured…I've been doing some thinking and…"

Here it comes, I thought grimly. 

"…I was wrong. What I said…it was horrible and I should never have put you in that position. I know you were still recuperating from his leaving and I probably just made everything worse for you. So…I'm sorry."

Took you long enough, I wanted to say. But I didn't. It was obvious, looking at his face, how he felt and just saying that would make it worse. I wanted to comfort him. 

"It's…okay, Paul. Really. Its not like I was Miss Perfect myself. I'm sorry for what I said to you, too."

He was looking at me, a smile slowly growing on his face. Then he shook his head and laughed. "Wow, we really made a mess of things, huh?"

I laughed too. "Yeah, we did." I paused. "But…everything's alright now?"

He nodded. "Yes." He reached over and took my hand in his. "Everything's fine."

I smiled and leaned into him. I raised my hand to his cheek and rested it there, grazing the stubble there with my thumb. He put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him and then kissed my cheek. His lips were soft against my skin and I realized I needed him to be kissing me somewhere else (well, not _there_…at least, not yet).

I turned my head and raised my lips to meet his. He understood what I was doing and pressed his lips against mine tenderly, them softly caressing my own.

It wasn't a passionate, demanding kiss. It was a simple and forgiving one. It was one to indicate that we were starting over, fresh, anew.

And that was just fine with me.

**Please review!**


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